Never Give Up!

The Hunted

2011-11-30T08:29:00.004-07:00

(or please don't let me get the barfing sickness)

I sit and wait.

I know that it is coming for me.

I have watched as the others have gone down.

It started Saturday night.

Then spread to some of the stronger ones Monday.

And took the weakest that night.

But, by Tuesday, I thought that the danger had passed.

But, last night it struck again.

I have tried to hide.

But I have to help the others.

I can't just leave them alone.

Two more are done for today.

I am the sole survivor.

And so I wait.

Amulet

2011-10-24T09:32:00.002-06:00

n: An ornament or small piece of jewelry thought to give protection against evil, danger, or disease.

I have one.

It mostly just sits around on the desk in my bedroom.

But there are some nights when I've been having a bad day. I'm just tired, worn out, frustrated over life.

And I'll see it there and put it on and it seems that for a moment all is right with the world.

Now I don't believe in "magical" objects. But I do believe in power.

Especially the power the mind has over the body.

It's become a bit of a joke for me to sit down at the desk, start complaining, see it there, put it on, and say, " oh yeah, now everything is going to be ok. This is just what I needed."

I am superwoman when I wear it. All is right in the world.

I feel like I have to be careful not to wear it all the time or it may lose its power over me.

I wear it just long enough to get that "I can do this now!" feeling.

Why do I feel so good when I put it on?

My amulet came from a race I did this summer.

I worked really hard training for that race.

But when the race was over, it was somewhat of a letdown. There was no immediate runners high for me. It was just over.

But each time I put on that ~~medal~~ amulet, I guess a small part of me remembers what a hard thing it was that I did.

And if I did that, then I can do anything, right?

Its powerful.

And its all in my head.

But that's where I really need the most power.

Because even though I'm not running long distances all day long, I am raising children.

And dealing with teenagers and the emotional issues that ~~sometimes~~ come with that.

And trying to keep a house clean.

And trying to improve myself a little each day.

So, its nice to have a little something that I can look at or wear to remind me of what I am capable of.

(And to laugh at myself as well.)

The mind is a powerful thing.

Being Nice

2011-10-06T09:07:00.003-06:00

I really like being nice.

I try to be nice to everyone.

But, sometimes I whine about having to do something nice for someone.

So, the question that I've been asking myself lately is:

"Am I only nice when its convenient for me?"

It shouldn't be.

So, I'm working on it.

Because I don't like whining.

And I like to be nice.

Zookeeper

2011-09-16T18:33:00.003-06:00

I am a zookeeper.

And I don't just mean that my house is a zoo.

Or looks like one.

Or smells like one. (I still remember my cousin's daughter looking into our car after a road trip and saying, "it smells like animals!")

I'm talking about my parenting style.

Have you heard about this book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua?

It's basically an explanation of a Chinese parenting method which produces successful tiger children.

Well, the other day on facebook a friend posted a link called Against Tiger Mothers.

It's the opposite view of the parenting method. He advances the idea of coyote parenting.

The idea being that tigers are the "specialists" and that coyotes are the "generalists" in our world.

I like both ideas.

Some of the children I raise will be tigers.

And some of them are definitely coyotes.

But, at least one of them might be a koala.

Sometimes it takes a while to see what animal they are.

That's my job as the zookeeper.

Figuring out what animal my child is and then following the appropriate "raising" technique.

Being a zookeeper is definitely not easy.

There are so many different kinds of animals.

In fact, in my zoo there are no two animals of the same kind.

But that's what makes a zoo great; the variety.

(And the variety is what makes it so loud, and messy, and smelly!)

Summer

2011-08-16T22:18:00.003-06:00

You know those summers when you were a kid.

The ones that seemed to last forever.

Staying out late at night to play games.

Hanging out with friends.

Doing family things together.

Everyday is an adventure.

I'm having that kind of summer.

Work = Joy

2011-06-11T11:14:00.005-06:00

Making friends is hard work.

And it gets harder the older I get.

It seemed so easy when I was younger.

It just happened.

I had great friends in high school and college.

Then life moved on.

Even as a young mom it was easy to make friends because what else was there to do except hang out with each other and talk about our "experiences".

I've always envied those women who have lived in the same place for a long time.

I imagine it would be easier to transition from that young mom time to busy life and still keep your friends.

Whenever I've moved its been harder to make friends with people my age.

And its not because people are not nice.

It's just that life is so much busier with older and more kids.

It really takes an effort to put myself out there and make friends.

Its just easier to deal with my own life and be alone.

But women friends are necessary for my growth.

So making friends, as uncomfortable as it is at first, is worth it to me.

Every time I have moved somewhere and put myself out there I have found other women willing to do the same.

It just takes some work.

But the pay-off for me is huge.

Yesterday I went on a hiking adventure with 3 other women and their families.

I think the kids had fun.

But, mostly for me, it was about making new friends.

Friendship, like anything else that takes work, brings me joy.

Women & Mothers

2011-05-08T10:20:00.004-06:00

I love mother's day.

I was not the most girly-girl growing up. I was really a tomboy and I liked to hang with the guys.

It is through being a mother that I have learned about being a woman. To celebrate the more female qualities within me. To learn to be selfless. To learn to serve and to love unconditionally.

As I lay in bed this morning waiting for the kids to bring me breakfast in bed, I had time to think about mother's day and what it really means to me.

I thought about my cousin who had a baby born still two days ago.

I thought of another cousin who has not had children of her own, but is raising her sister's kids for her and doing an awesome job.

I thought of my friend who has not yet married but has mothered hundreds of young women.

I thought of my friend who worried she would never get the chance to be a mother and is now raising 4 beautiful children.

I thought of another cousin who is waiting for someone to choose her to be a mother.

And I especially thought of my own mother.

I think mother's day is really a day to celebrate womanhood.

I believe that all women have this divine gift to nurture, to love and to teach. And every woman has a choice to share this gift with others, no matter what her situation.

But it is not always easy.

It did not feel like a divine gift as I was cleaning the "garf" off the floor of the kitchen and myself; and washing sheets that were "wet".

Sometimes it's just plain hard.

But it is still a gift to share.

I love being a mother.

And I love being a woman.

And on this day I am thankful for all the women in my life who have taught me by example what these titles really mean.

Kind of Personal

2011-04-23T11:14:00.004-06:00

I've been on my get-healthy/weight-loss journey for almost 4 months now.

I knew what I wanted to do and even how to do it.

But it has seemed to take forever.

I started out exercising by running for 1 minute/walking for 2 min for a total of 20 minutes.

Then increasing that running time each week until I could run 20 minutes without stopping.

I lost 10 lbs in the first 3 weeks.

Since then, it has been a 1 lb a week loss (maybe).

I lift weights 3 times a week and eat 5 times a day and drink tons of water.

I signed up for a half marathon because there is a great one where I live and its been on my "list" for a very long time now.

I've gotten discouraged thinking how I'm supposed to run 13 miles or more than 2 hours when I'm not even running 2 miles yet and only 20 min. at a time.

But the big turning point came the other night.

I have always hated feeling fat.

And feeling out of shape.

The other night I said out loud: "I'm not fat any more."

Not - "I don't feel fat, or I don't look fat".

Just, "I'm not fat."

That's huge for me.

That's a completely different emotion than feeling or looking.

It's a real thing.

And now I realize that I can do this.

I am doing this.

I pulled out the 15 lbs dumbbells for some of my exercises.

I am only 10 lbs away from my super goal weight.

I ran 3 miles this morning.

I have 18 weeks until my race.

I will be ready.

This is what life is.

Little steps leading to bigger plans.

Not always seeing results, but still changing along the way anyway.

I can't wait to see where this leads me.

Be Your Own Cheerleader

2011-03-31T19:08:00.003-06:00

Few things drive me crazier than when I hear a kid say, I'll never get it done!

Or, it's too hard.

Really, what is the point?

One of my favorite classes I took in college was a Stress Management Class.

And other than breaking a board "with my hand" for the final, probably the best part for me was when they taught about self-talk.

During that class I realized that all that grumbling inside is useless.

Since then I have become a true believer in saying positive things to myself.

It's the whole "little engine that could" moral.

I think I can, I thought I could, I knew I could.

Well, it's kind of morphed into a self-promoting attitude.

Good job on dinner!

Hey, I cleaned all the toilets today - hooray for me!

Do you guys know how awesome I am; I ran for 12 minutes without stopping this morning!

I tell my kids all the time - you have to be your own cheerleader because you can't wait around for other people to do it.

I mean, it's nice if others notice your hard work, but really, just plan on cheering for yourself.

I think it is starting to rub off on my kids.

Yea, I got all my homework done!

I'm awesome because I'm done with my jobs!

I rock!

This is the kind of stuff I love to hear.

Invention

2011-02-27T21:47:00.003-07:00

def: invent \in-'vent\ 1. to think up 2. to create or produce for the first time

I like that definition.

Especially the second one.

This is the first time in my life when I've had toddlers, not been pregnant, and had children old enough to babysit.

All at the same time.

It's like a new me.

I find myself asking, "who am I?"

Or better yet, "who do I want to be?"

I know that I will always be the same person inside; but I have a desire to improve parts of me.

To create or produce for the first time some part of me that has not been there before.

I've thought about my friends whose lives have not turned out they way they expected.

Marriages came late.

Babies came late and in different ways.

There's never enough money.

Divorce.

And I've thought about how they've had to re-invent themselves from being one type of person to now being something totally different.

That must be hard.

I guess my life is not like I imagined it would be either.

I'm not living with all of the comforts of life that I expected.

But I wouldn't change any of it.

It's the process that has changed me and made me who I am.

The process of inventing a new part of me.

It is sometimes really hard and not always pleasant.

So, what quality or trait will I produce from this new time in my life?

I think its one of those things that I won't know until I'm looking back.

That's ok.

In the meantime I will invent.

Science Geeks

2011-02-17T09:49:00.002-07:00

It was the science fair last night.

I really like the way our elementary school does it.

Anyone who wants to can participate; but it is very low key and everyone gets a medal and certificate.

They had a professor from the university doing science experiments in the front for the kids and their families.

He had a static electricity ball.

And he had a girl with long hair put her hand on it so we could watch her hair go up.

He kept telling the kids "don't touch her or it won't work!"

But different kids kept throwing stuff at her and trying to touch her.

And I thought to myself: look at who you are talking to guy.

You have a bunch of kids in front of you who wanted to do the science fair.

They are the ones who like to experiment.

So of course, if you tell them not to do something or this will happen, they are going to test it out!

It's just the way their minds work.

It would do me well to remember this in my own family.

My kids are very strong-willed. (that might even be an understatement)

So of course, they are going to test limits to see what happens.

As long as they feel the consequences then maybe the lesson will be learned.

Unfortunately, it takes a lot of patience to actually put this into practice.

But, hey this life if basically one huge science experiment for us to test ourselves and learn.

Over and over again.

Lost

2011-02-14T09:13:00.003-07:00

I never take my watch off.

Well, almost never.

I was getting ready to go running.

I went to take it off my wrist so I could hold it while I run.

It's easier to see it that way. (I'm only up to run 1 min./ walk 2 min.)

It wasn't on my wrist.

Where was it?

Did it fall off?

Oh, I must have left it in the temple locker yesterday.

Darn it.

I borrowed a watch from my daughter.

I went running/walking.

I came home.

I got in the shower.

I always check what time it is when I get in so I'm not in too long.

My watch said 9:10.

My watch?

Yes.

It was on my wrist.

You see, I always wear it . . .

. . . on my left wrist.

For some reason I checked my right wrist in the morning.

This is what my mom calls "halfz-heimers".

Appliances

2011-02-10T14:29:00.004-07:00

We got our first full months electric bill.

Let me just say that it wasn't pretty.

So I started thinking about what appliance I could do without to maybe help ease the pain.

It's too cold for a clothesline and I do too much laundry to use the inside one for everything.

We kind of need the refrigerator because its nice to eat non-frozen/non-rancid food.

The electric heaters in the added-on master bedroom and bathroom are already turned down as low as possible without creating icicles in the rooms. (ok, so there may be a few icicles)

That left only one large appliance left.

The dishwasher.

Which really if you think about it is just a place to hold dirty dishes anyway.

So now, I just fill the sink at the beginning of the meal with super hot sudsy water (that way by the time dinner is over, kids can stick their hands in without complaining about their skin falling off).

Then each kid is responsible for their own plate and utensils.

Dish duty for the rest of the dishes is then rotated weekly.

I decided against daily since I really wanted to give the kids a chance to master it.

And I didn't want complaining that so-an-so didn't do the dishes the night before so now they have more to do than anyone!

I like to think that my kids are learning a skill that they might need some day.

Who knows, there might still be places in the world that don't have that dirty dish holder thing.

So far it is working beautifully.

I think it makes my kids feel good to accomplish something that they think of as hard.

I'm not sure that it will really make that big of a difference in the bill, but so far I love the difference in our family.

And one bonus I didn't count on - not getting into bed and having to remember - "did I turn the dishwasher on? "

Mantra

2011-01-26T14:49:00.003-07:00

I found an interesting scripture at the end of last year and I've been repeating it in my head.

It's toward the beginning of the Book of Mormon.

Lehi and his family have left Jerusalem; lived and journeyed in the wilderness, built a boat and traveled across the sea.

And not without much difficulty.

They finally arrive in the promised land.

1 Nephi 18:24

"And it came to pass that we did begin to plant seeds; yea, we did put all our seeds into the earth, which we had brought from the land of Jerusalem. And it came to pass that they did grow exceedingly; wherefore, we were blessed in abundance." (emphasis added)

They did not hold anything back.

They did not say to themselves, just in case this doesn't work out, we better save some of these seeds.

They put all of their seeds into the earth.

So this year, I'm telling myself to plant all of my seeds.

To not keep myself back from living fully just because I may not feel settled.

Even though, I know we will only be here for another year and then we will move again, I'm planting all my seeds.

There is no use in waiting for what may be in the future.

This is my life right now.

It's a great life.

I'm planting all of my seeds!

highlights

2010-12-02T13:59:00.005-07:00

Mothers of teenage daughters - unite! My oldest came home from school and said, "guess what? my friend's mom took all of her clothes away and is making her pay to get them back." HA!

My magical powers are increasing daily.

Halloween discussion between children:

"maybe I'll be a vampire"
"as long as you're not a sparkly one"

The curse of the jumper: what is it with jumpers making me gain weight?

I drove the "smaller" car [chevy suburban] the other day and hit my head getting in. I felt so little driving it.

Just a few updates and some things that I've meant to blog about but haven't.

(by the way, you have to click on the underline stuff to "get it")

Life is a Battlefield

2010-11-12T13:14:00.005-07:00

Slowly she creeps across the bleak landscape. Wary and unsure of her next step. Visions of her partner's battle wound press into her mind. The scar will always be there as a reminder. Some have no problem navigating through the area. And yet, for her, each step is a painful reminder of what once was. There are those who would gladly do the job for the right compensation. But with no resources it is up to her, and her alone. If only. No, those thoughts must not be allowed to take over. She must live in the present and deal with what is before her. Questions will only lead to distractions. Distractions lead to neglect. Neglect leads to, well, to this. Eventually all of this must stop. Bravely she stoops down. Carefully, carefully. She reaches for the nearest object, avoiding the urge to look around too much. Then slowly she stands again. One down, who knows how many more to go.

Anyone feel like cleaning up my living room for me?

White Shirts and Jeans

2010-10-24T18:17:00.005-06:00

I wanted a family picture.

One of those cool ones where we all match and are beautiful.

I stayed up nights envisioning it.

I picked a time and place.

I knew I wanted it to happen before the storm came and blew the leaves away.

Finally the "last chance" day arrived.

I still hadn't gotten in touch with the girl who offered the "family picture" at the ward auction.

My husband was really busy with school and didn't think he'd be able to make it home before dark.

But I went forward with my plans anyway.

The kids all had a half-day of school so we decided to pick out pumpkins and go geocaching.

The youngest started throwing up right before we left.

At one of our stops, three of them were stung by bees.

I was not deterred.

We were doing this no matter what.

The boys complained about having to wear their sunday shirts when it wasn't sunday.

The teenager was trying to be different.

We got a hold of our volunteer photographer at 4:30 and set up a 5:45 appointment.

Dad came home a little early from school.

We made it to the park and the wind wasn't blowing,it wasn't freezing yet, and no one had barfed for at least an hour.

We took pictures.

[amid telling kids not to make faces, threatening to take away toys, trying to get everyone looking at the camera at the same time (9 is a lot of people), and bribing kids to smile.]

I've always envied those dentist and carpet cleaner ads and their family pictures.

Now I wonder what they went through to get them taken.

My favorite moment came as we were getting ready and my teenager said:

"it's like we're going to the temple, but in jeans!"

Yes, yes it is.

What a perfect description of life.

We are on a journey that will lead us to the most beautiful place.

We want to go as a family

But it takes a lot of work to get there.

In The Middle

2010-10-14T21:19:00.004-06:00

When I run, it's hardest for me the first 10 minutes.
Then it feels like I hit "the zone" and I can just keep going.
Until I see the end.
Then, I always seem to pick up speed.

My pregnancies were kind of the same.
There's a some nausea and excitement at the beginning.
Then it seems like it will just go on forever in the middle.
I love the nesting stage at the end when I finally start getting things done again.

Unfortunately, a similar thing happens in my church callings.
I feel so motivated in the start.
And then it just becomes a "job" where I can get by with doing the bare minimum.
When I finally get back on track and motivated, it usually means I'm going to be getting a new calling soon.

My current life experience, grad school, is a 3 year deal.
The first year is over.
We are in the second, or the middle year.

Last year, everything was new and hard and exciting and tough.
Moving to a new place, making new friends, surviving the dreaded winter, meeting financial obligations.
It was enough to keep me on task.
I made it through.

Only, now there's two years left of this.
Most of the excitement or worry has been dealt with and now it's just the way it is.

And I can't see the finish line yet.

I wish there was some way for me to keep the spark alive through the whole thing and not feel stuck in the middle.

I believe the answer lies in being more grateful.

When I run, that middle part is when I can meditate and work things out.
When I'm pregnant, it's in the middle when I begin to realize what a miracle creation is.
When I serve in the church I learn from watching so many others serve faithfully.

I may not be the one in school, but here are the 3 R's I will be working on this year:

Recognizing answers to prayers.
Remembering blessings that are received.
Relying on the Lord.

The thing about it is, the middle is when all of the growth and strength take place.

Kids Cleaning Day

2010-09-16T11:16:00.004-06:00

My kids have regular "chores" everyday (get dressed, brush teeth, pick up your stuff, etc.)

Then they have an "after school job" that has to be done before snack (books, toys, couches, downstairs, junk).

And we rotate through "kitchen jobs" every night (garbage, dishwasher, floor, table, food, dishes, sinks, counter).

But every Tuesday is "Kids Cleaning Day".

I have done this different ways. But, I'm kind of excited about my new plan.

Every kid has to do everything on the first list (the oldest helps the youngest).

1. STRAIGHTEN

bed (made mom's way and all toys and books off)
closet (all clothes hung up nicely, no junk on floor)
clothes drawers (they can shove their laundry in everyday except once a week it has to be straightened)
top of dresser (junk collection spot - they have to put it in their treasure box, school drawer, or garbage)
shoes (make sure all shoes are lined up nicely with matches)

After their straightening jobs are done they get to start picking out of the jar.

There are 5 jobs in each category for my 5 school-aged kids.

Each category has its own color so I can just say, go pick a blue one, etc.

2. DUST (blue)
boys room, girls room, living room, playroom, electronics

3. VACUUM (orange)
boys room, girls room, living room, playroom, stairs

4. CLEAN (yellow)
bathroom sinks, toilets, bathroom floor, mirrors, kitchen chairs

5. ORGANIZE (purple)
coloring stuff, games, books, hair stuff, toys

If they happen to pick one that they did last week, they can choose again if they want to and there are any others left. (It gives them motivation to not be the last to pick.)

I like the fact that they might have to clean their brother or sister's room. (So far no arguments there.)

This is a shorter version than what we used to do, so there are some things that are left out (under beds, doorknobs, walls, etc.)

I put those on an "extra" list so when Dad says, "ask mom what job you can do" or mom says, "that just earned you an extra job mister!", well . . . you know the drill.

I'm pretty sure I'll have to come up with something new to keep their interest next year, but so far so good.

sheesh, I guess my kids have to clean a lot!

strike that and reverse

sheesh, I have a lot of kids to clean!

Food Critics

2010-09-13T21:48:00.005-06:00

In our home, we are constantly trying new recipes.

And in our quest for the perfect food, we are always trying to improve upon each dish.

Thus, we end up discussing what to do differently next time.

Our children have picked up on this.

Now it doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

Of course we want to improve their culinary tastes.

But, it gets awkward at times.

"This meat is a little bit dry."

"Is this what it's supposed to taste like?"

"What exactly is in here?"

"I think this needs more salt."

"You may have cooked this a little too long."

"Dad makes this stuff way better."

Totally normal comments in our "food critic" house.

But not exactly what you like to hear when eating with others.

Especially when the cooking was not done by us.

I wonder why we don't get many dinner invitations.

Sorry to Offend

2010-09-01T10:26:00.003-06:00

Confession time.

I treat my clothes as if they have feelings.

I feel bad for certain items if I haven't worn them in a while.

It doesn't matter if I don't really like them or they don't look good.

I don't want to hurt their feelings.

I've tried the "turn the hangers all the same way" method of getting rid of clothes.

(you know at the end of 6 months or a year the hangers that haven't been turned around means you haven't worn them and you should get rid of them.)

Well, it just brings to my attention even more the ones that I should feel sorry for.

It's like getting picked last for a team.

Now, I know this is completely insane.

And, I do get rid of clothes after I keep wearing them and still can't stand them.

I just say to myself (and the clothes):

"I'm sorry but this relationship is just not good for either of us."

"It's not you, it's me."

"I'm sure you can find someone else that will be just right for you."

Am I the only one?

Some Things Never Change

2010-08-28T10:09:00.006-06:00

Spending the majority of the summer where I grew up, I had more than ample opportunity to walk down memory lane. As I did, I realized that some things never change (sort of):

Living with my parents.
I cooked a lot more; and cleaned a lot more than I ever did as a kid.

Giggling with a girlfriend from girls camp.
We’re both moms now with our own daughters going to girls camp.

Looking at myself in the same mirror where I would primp for stake dances.
I was changing a diaper and wasn’t as worried about my hair, make-up or the last dance.

Driving a van on the freeway with my dad in the passenger seat holding his arm rest with a death grip.
It didn't make me nervous; it just made me laugh.

Running up the hill behind my school to the field hockey field.
I was carrying a baby, racing my kids, and could barely make it up once.

Crossing 5 lanes of traffic to get to a left exit in less than 1 mile going 55 mph.
There’s an exit on the right hand side now for (wimps) those who don’t like to take risks.

Driving to my high school in a van with a bunch of kids.
I wasn’t listening to The Cars or New Edition. And they were my kids so there was no way they thought I was cool.

Going downtown to the monuments and museums.
I wasn’t on a school field trip so I didn’t have my soda can wrapped in tin foil. And I actually tried to understand the history and importance of what I was seeing.

Riding a crowded metro train.
I wasn’t an obnoxious kid that didn’t see the commuters roll their eyes.I was a mom that people would give up their seats for. (I may have seen some eyes roll as they tried counting the number of kids I had with me.)

Getting lost in Anacostia on the way home from National Airport.
I wasn't nervous. Mostly because I was with my husband and it was just nice to be alone for a while after not seeing him for 6 weeks.

It was a fabulous summer. I'm pretty sure I have the coolest parents ever.

It's nice that some things never change.

And it's nice to be with people you love.

You know, the ones who make all the good changes possible.

My Drug of Choice

2010-07-12T05:11:00.003-06:00

No, this is not about which drug is the best to give a child while travelling. (I haven't found one that works that great for us yet. )

It's about what I've discovered about my own brain chemistry and what works best for it.

When I start getting overwhelmed and things seem on the far side of crazy . . .
I have to get organized.

It's not just a good thing for me. It is like a drug.

My brain can't function without a certain type of organization/drug, to guide it. And then once I have this "drug" in me I am free to be more spontaneous and fun about life.

I have actually used prescription medication before. It was a necessity after baby #6.

I was never able to get to the point where I was able to plan or even think about organizing my life without breaking down into tears.

The real drug allowed me to survive.

While I was on this medication I didn't have to plan things and life went merrily along. But, once I felt ready to organize and plan my life, I knew it was time to try it on my own again.

So, I am done apologizing for having to "get organized". No more thinking that I am a freak when I tell people that I have to get my mind wrapped around things before I can make certain decisions.

I now accept that this is just the drug I need to help me function to my fullest potential.

Here's an example of what I have organized in my brain for this summer.

Activities/Menu
Sunday - day of rest/church; dinner with family
Monday - school/library day; chicken
Tuesday - field trip day; grandma
Wednesday - cleaning day; kid's choice
Thursday - shopping/computer time day; sandwiches/leftovers
Friday - swimming/craft day; favorites
Saturday - field trip day; crockpot

Have I followed this exactly? Nope, not even once.

But its like having a palette of colors to choose from. I can mix and match according to my needs.

Disclaimer: It does take me at least a whole day to come up with "the plan".

But then I can relax and let the summer happen in a stress free manner. I love that the kids aren't constantly bugging me about going to the pool, or getting on the computer. And I know certain things will get done that might tend to get lost in the whirl of summer. Like cleaning, school and field trips that I really want to do.

Anyway, if anyone asks for my designer drug. This is it.

Trekkin' It

2010-06-04T07:41:00.004-06:00

So, we begin today (almost) on our epic summer adventure.

The house we are renting is only a 10 month contract. Rather than finding a new place we decided to come back here (it's a great place). So for two months we will be homeless (not really, I just like the shock value of those words).

Actually, my saintly parents have invited us to stay with them in Virginia. But, before we make it back there we have to hang around Utah for girls camp and cub scout camp. (Luckily all 3 were in the same week.)

Thus begins our true homelessness (again, with the shock).

I am constantly amazed at the generosity of people who are willing to open their homes to a family as large as ours. I feel truly grateful. (I have such a great family, close and extended.)

In the meantime, the whole family (all 9 of us) will be traveling around in our 9-passenger suburban.

It will be a tight squeeze. (Ha, understatement of the year!)

Especially with all "the stuff" we have to take.

I feel a bit like the handcart pioneers. I have given my children guidelines on what they are allowed to take:

6 outfits (incl. church clothes)
1 swimsuit
1 book
1 toy/stuffed animal
1 pillow
1 blanket

At least we don't have to pull it across country, hopefully. (insert childhood memories here of road-trips and over-heating radiators, hanging out on the side of the road, etc.)

I have grand visions of how joyful this "vacation" will be.

Eating in the car.

Reading scriptures, in the car.

Sleeping in the car.

Visiting historic sites, in the car.

Listening to books on tape, in the car.

Singing obnoxious songs, in the car.

Creating inside family jokes, in the car.

Listening to babies scream, in the car.

Sibling rivalry, in the car.

Dad turning around, in the car.

In the car, in the car.

OK, my vision is deteriorating quickly. aaaahhhhhh!

It will be fun, it will be fun, it will be fun.

And so, off we go. Bon Voyage. Auf Weidershen. TTFN.

I might make it back in one piece (but it probably won't be my brain).

Thank You

2010-06-01T09:25:00.003-06:00

I've been trying out some new parenting skills I've learned. The book I've been reading is, "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Glen Latham.

The idea is that the behaviors you pay the most attention to are the ones that will increase.

So, if I spend all my time yelling at my kids for something they're doing wrong then they actually will continue to do it more. So instead, I've been looking for the positive things to focus on.

This is so hard for me.

Not because my kids aren't doing good things. It's just that I'm such a coach and I want to help them improve. I want to point out what they're doing wrong so they can get better.

Anyway, I've been trying to be more positive. There's been a lot of:

"Thank you for chewing your food quietly."
"Thank you for putting your plate in the dishwasher without being asked."
"Thank you for not slamming that door when you wanted to."
"Thank you for . . ."

It's driving some of my kids (mostly 'A') crazy. "So are you going to be one of those moms that just says nice things all the time?" That was seriously one of her questions. Of course, now she says, "Remember, you're supposed to be positive!"

Well, this all felt very manipulative to me at first. But then I realized it really is just a better environment I'm trying to create.

Yes, I want my kids to behave, but it's more important that they feel loved and appreciated (by the way, a coach would never say that).

So how has it been going?

Things are better. I don't always stick to the game plan, but I hear the words thank you a lot more. And not just from me; from my kids, too. They seem to get along a bit better as well.

But, the crowning moment came when my husband asked our son ('D') to clean up something. The response?

"Thanks for telling me what to clean up Dad."

Behind

2010-05-27T09:51:00.004-06:00

I am really behind in the whole scrapbooking thing.

I am horrible about taking pictures of things (I totally rely on my sister).

I'm even worse about organizing them (in some way other than in whatever folder they happen to download to on the computer).

Are my children are missing out?

When I do remember to take pictures I'm always disappointed because I end up viewing the important event from behind a little screen.

It bums me out to see these events second-hand.

I feel like I'm missing out.

- - - pause for light-bulb moment - - -

(self-talk q:) what is the purpose of recording these events?
(self-talk a:) I suppose its for those participating to have some reminder.

Could this be one of those sacrifices that we as parents, should make for our children? (I'm so not good at this whole sacrifice thing; isn't it all about me?)

I may miss out on some of the present excitement, but then that memory is carried on for my child and others.

Is that the deal?

Help me out here. Because I feel like I'm missing out either way.

(Maybe if I did it more often I could be confident of holding the camera just right and not have to look through it to get the picture?)

Fantasy

2010-05-18T23:05:00.005-06:00

Just because I'm weird . . .

After shampooing and cleaning the hair off my fingers (tmi), I found a really white one.

The first thought that came to my mind was,

"I found a unicorn hair!"

I think I might need to expand my reading genre.

Real Women

2010-04-29T13:22:00.002-06:00

I am blessed to have amazing women in my life. I like to call them real women.

When I am around a real woman I . . .

. . . know who I am.

. . . can eat what I want without wondering if they think I'm a pig.

. . . can pick up conversations from forever ago without the small talk.

. . . can talk about potty-training and gospel topics in the same breath.

. . . am not embarrassed to cry.

. . . laugh a lot.

To me a real woman is someone who . . .

. . . knows who they are.

. . . has goals that they are always working towards.

. . . makes others feel good without putting themselves down.

. . . loves being a mother and desires it more than anything.

. . . will drop anything just to visit with a friend even for a short time.

. . . is willing to admit faults and weaknesses without wallowing in self-pity.

. . . laughs heartily.

. . . bless my life.

Winner

2010-04-16T13:03:00.004-06:00

Wow - I won something!

Kind of funny considering what our family motto used to be.

My friend has this great blog with lots of cool stuff and funny stuff and just stuff that reminds me how great she is. She is my blogging guru who I call when I have questions on how to do cool stuff to my blog (Its not her fault that I don't).

Anyway, she had a giveaway and I dutifully left a comment. And I won this.

It was such a great thing to happen because I've been feeling a little down (family: please note that I know this is a normal valley in the journey of life and really everything is ok).

It just made me smile to know that I won at something. Just a little spark but enough to make things better.

And even though I'm very excited for the prize, it's actually the winning part that I'm most excited about.

So, I've decided that I want to be a winner at something every day. Something random.

But what can moms win?

Making it through the day without yelling is an accomplishment but doesn't really feel like winning.

I know, I'll come up with some contest with my kids. Like let them choose a winning word and if I happen to say it that day then I win!

Ok, that could get ugly.

But I like winning; so I'm open for suggestions.

The Island

2010-04-05T08:34:00.002-06:00

The place where I live is known as "the Island". It is divided from the other parts of town by two bodies of water (kind of).

This weekend we made a trip back to our old civilization. We drove about 2 hours to go see family and eat and watch conference.

Getting ready for the visit felt weird.

You know how on reality shows (not that I have ever watched them) there is a point where the contestants go home for a short visit or get letters to remind them of how they were before the game.

That's what it felt like to me.

Like living here is a type of reality show and I just have to make it through 3 years and then I win.

But isn't that what life is?

We are given a short time in our life to make what we can of it.

Sometimes we are given reminders of "home". It can either discourage us or help us stay motivated to complete the challenge.

The goal is to not lose focus but to keep on striving.

The good thing about this game though is that everyone can win.

In fact, the real winners are those who help others win along their way, too.

So really, it's not just a three year contest, but an everyday one.

I'm planning on winning.

Anyone want to form an alliance with me?

Changes

2010-03-26T09:07:00.004-06:00

There are times when you make changes occur that are very noticeable. Like when a child is done with diapers. You realize it immediately. It is a good change and you rejoice.

There are times when you are forced to change and it takes a while to adapt to it. Like daylight savings time. It took me a while to get used to it, but there came a day when I actually felt my body adjust.

Then there are changes that are so subtle that you're not even sure when they happened.

Last weekend my two oldest wanted to go see their school play with another friend. We dropped them off and had them call us when they were ready to be picked up.

When did I become a mom of kids old enough to do that? When did I stop being that overprotective mom who has to be a part of their lives at all times?

It is a change that I welcome and yet, did not recognize.

It is a change that is good for all involved.

I sometimes fear the future and all the changes that will come. I hope that all changes are as smooth as this one.

And I hope that I can recognize and rejoice in them as they come.

MMD

2010-03-11T15:10:00.005-07:00

I have finally found the name of what is wrong with me. (well at least one of the things)

It is called Material Management Disorder.

I know that everything is supposed to have a place and be there, but it just doesn't come naturally to me. There's just too much stuff.

I will hold something in my hand and think, I should put this in a file, but then the disease takes over and I just put it down for later. (I'm totally like Scarlett.)

Or I file too many things with no discrimination of what really should be saved.

Just the other day I created a new file for my coupons. And as I put it in my gigantic file cabinet I had this thought, "yeah, I'm never going to find that folder again." (It took 2 weeks of searching by the way.)

Anyone else feel like they have this?

Are there really people out there that don't have this?

At least now that I know my problem has a name I can face it head on and start curing it.

So c'mon women of MMD - let's unite!

Yeah, who am I kidding - I'm pretty sure it's terminal.

Parenting Books

2010-03-06T21:45:00.003-07:00

This is for a friend who asked about different parenting books that I have read. Since I’ve been having a difficult time coming up with my next post, here’s the stone for those two birds.

First of all there are so many books out there. And they all kind of say different things; especially, when it comes to discipline.

I've found I just have to go with my gut. I guess most would call it mother's instinct.

So, as I read the books, I just disregard things that I don't really feel will work in my situation.

And I try hard not to have guilt about not doing everything they say I should be doing.

Here's a list of some books that I can remember and what I got out of them.

The first parenting book I ever read was by John Rosemond called "The Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children". The main thing from this book was that the husband/wife relationship comes before the children; children should not be entertained all the time; kids need more vitamin N (no); and the purpose of parenting is to teach children to become responsible adults.

He’s a little heavy on the discipline side but the "5 Love Languages" was good for balancing out the other side.

I really like "Parenting Ephraim's Child". It is from an LDS perspective and totally went with my idea that these strong-willed kids are here for a reason and we just have to figure out how to direct them; good discipline ideas, too.

"The Mom's Club Diaries" is a fun one to read so you know you're not alone in the chaos.

And "Letters" by Marjorie Peay Hinckley is not really a parenting book, but so good to help you know that everyone is normal.

I know I read "How to Behave So Your Children Will Too", though now I really only remember the title.

For older kids I really liked Steven Covey’s "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families".

Anyway, I hope these help. And anyone else with good book ideas, please comment.
Good luck with your munchkins. I think you are an awesome mom.

Nugget

2010-02-22T11:56:00.001-07:00

This is a great saying that I just read the other day:

Make the problem the enemy; not you or your child.

Discovery Week

2010-02-21T10:29:00.004-07:00

I learned a new equation this week.

Perfectionism + Competitiveness = Hopelessness/Anger

I had to deal with an issue with a child this week. I found some good info here and here.

It was good for me to read this stuff instead of flying off the handle like I wanted to. And I discovered some new insights into my child.

Another thing I learned or discovered (this time about myself): I am a coach.

Like, no duh, right? I love coaching.

But unfortunately, I have a coach voice and attitude.

Stuff like: "c'mon, you can do better than that!" or "what is the problem here?"

Can you hear it?

It sounds great outside on a field or on a court. But inside my home I realize that I need to have a meeker approach to teaching.

I'm always open for learning new things. Especially when it helps me be a better mom.

Dancing With My Star

2010-02-13T23:29:00.004-07:00

I have this great memory from my childhood.

It's dancing with my Dad.

We had a daddy-daughter dance once and learned "The Minuet".

I can still remember some of the steps.

So, when I was put in charge of the activity for the girls (8-11yrs) at church, I thought of this.

It was a low key night. We just had punch and cookies.

Most of the dads who came with their daughters were very reluctant about dancing (including my own daughter's father) .

The girls, on the other hand, seemed to be beaming because they had their dads to themselves (I remember that feeling).

Anyway, I taught them the waltz. Just the basic box step. I also taught the Electric Slide; just to the girls (kind of to give the dad's a break). And then we ended with a final waltz to Journey's Open Arms.

It was fun, but I think my favorite part was listening to the girls giggle. They had so much fun.

I'm not sure if any memories were made for these girls, but it was nice for me to relive mine.

I love my Dad.

Free Throw

2010-02-03T11:07:00.004-07:00

My brother-in-law recently requested, from the family mailing group, ideas on weight loss.

He says he doesn't need it now but he wants some ideas for later on when us "older ones" don't care as much or forget stuff.

Yeah, he's a gem.

Anyway, this was my response and I thought I'd just throw it out here. I guess I did go to college for something.

My Top 5 Healthy Eating Ideas
1. Eat smaller portions more often. (5-6 times a day)
2. Drink a glass of water before or after eating.
3. Eat the right kind of food. (you know what that is)
4. Don't do anything else while you're eating (no driving, watching, reading, etc.). Just focus on the food and tasting/savoring it.
5. Add more movement to your day.

For real weight loss: Keep a food journal (write down what/when you eat and why you're eating).

But, everyone knows this stuff, right? (It doesn't mean we do it.)

The Enemy

2010-01-28T09:47:00.004-07:00

It is the enemy of all.

Especially mothers.

It moves too fast and I don't have enough of it.

And yet, I can't wait. To move to the next stage.

I need more.

There's too much until . . .

I feel like I'm serving it.

It changes everything.

Cracked

2010-01-22T07:58:00.002-07:00

I crack myself up.

I actually say that a lot.

Here are the usual responses in my home:

"Mom, you're weird."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" (really loud and obnoxious)

"Wait, what . . . oh I get it."

"Huh?"

"heeheehaa (not really sure why I'm laughing, but I don't want to miss out)"

"Nice one."

Sometimes I can keep laughing and smiling about something for a long time. Whether it's a show I watched (Community anyone?), something my child said, something I read or myself. For instance:

I built a snowman with my 2 year old yesterday in our driveway.
It was her first one and it was little and cute.
As the sun warmed up the head fell off.
Then I had to go run an errand.
With the car. (Remember where we built the snowman?)
Well, I drove over it.

Twice.

It felt good.

And I'm still laughing about it now. I know, I crack myself up.

Aaahhhh, shoot. (wipe tears)

Sometimes I think that this humor of mine is the only thing that is really holding me together.

Imagine

2010-01-11T07:29:00.003-07:00

I'm a visual type of person. I love creating images that I can have in my mind to keep me going.

My husband starts school again today. I have had him home for a little over a month. And I've totally been relying on him for everything.

It's been fabulous.

But, now I'm nervous.

I've got to pick up the slack that I've let fall onto him. Now it's all on me. And I know I can't do it by myself. I can only make it through if I have someone else helping me. (I'm not afraid to admit this weakness.) And the only person I have to rely on is the Lord.

So here's the image:

I'm pulling a super heavy handcart.

It's overloaded and I'm going up hill.

It's hard.

But then I look over and I'm not pulling alone.

Christ is pulling with me and smiling.

And I know we can do this together.

Time to Commit

2009-12-26T23:25:00.005-07:00

So, I have this huge pile of clothes next to my side of the bed.

Yes, some of them are clean and folded and ready to put away.

But, unfortunately, there's this pile of "other" stuff, too.

I think I just figured out what it is:

Seeing as I'm the one responsible for all the laundry in the house, I find it hard to commit to what is really dirty and what might be salvageable for one more day of wear.

So, it ends up in this pile of "other" stuff.

But, then I can't really remember what I thought about it - "mostly clean or mostly dirty?"

Therefore, my first new years resolution is to commit to putting the dirty stuff (that extra 3 feet away) into the hamper.

Just don't expect any other type of resolutions about laundry this year.

(Like emptying that hamper - ha!)

Grow Up

2009-12-20T21:19:00.006-07:00

These are two words that, at times, I really want to say to my child.

But I'm also afraid of it happening.

This child is smart and hilarious and so unconcerned with what others think. Sometimes (often) it comes off as loud and obnoxious. But, because she doesn't care, she has a freedom I think most people would love to have.

She wears what she wants, cries when she's sad, and laughs really loud at jokes. She knows the answer to everything and will give the shirt off her back to anyone who needs it.

She still believes in Santa fiercely. She told me the other day that she can't believe that no one in her 6th grade class believes in Santa or the Tooth Fairy. "Can you believe I'm the only one? What's wrong with them?"

I love that innocence about her.

At the same time, I get worried because it would be nice for her to understand reality, recognize situations for what they are, and try to fit in.

But even as I write this I think, why do I want that?

I've probably spent too much of my life trying to fit in. Do I really want that for her? Not really.

But, I think that at some point it will happen. She will grow up and then all the hurtful things people say and do (especially in junior high) are going to matter.

I definitely don't want that to happen.

So I guess that I hope she stays just the way she is and everyone continues to love her and accept her for who she is.

We could use a few more grown-ups like her anyway.

Bring It On!

2009-12-11T11:15:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I turned 40.

Today, I just am 40.

About 8 months before my daughter turned 4 she started talking about her birthday. She had it all planned and would come up with new ideas all the time. She was so excited about it for the whole 8 months leading up to it.

Well, 8 years ago I heard about some friends who had just celebrated their 40th birthday by having a sleepover and watching Pride and Prejudice. It sounded like so much fun. I wanted to celebrate my 40th the same way and make it fun instead of just being "old".

It didn't happen.

At first I was sad. What was the point of turning 40 if I couldn't make it a big deal?

So, I decided I needed a new focus.

I thought about my bucket list and all the things I still need to accomplish.

Then I figured out how old each of my kids would be when I turned 50.

And I realized, wow that is a lot of life left to happen.

So, now I say: Bring it on!

Knock Knock

2009-12-05T12:36:00.005-07:00

First, I'm probably not alone in the blogger world of being "comment needy". (I really try not to be.) Most of the time when I post, it is just for me to get it out of my head and on down on paper.

But, last week due to a post that I mistakenly thought was spam (sorry bro) I put on comment moderation and then forgot to moderate. It was a while before I remembered why I might not be getting comments.

Second, I'm always surprised when someone like my mom says so and so was reading your blog the other day . . . (really?)

It makes me wonder who is reading this stuff?

So, I put on a visitor counter thing and was once again surprised at the numbers. (Maybe its just mostly me checking on the numbers but I don't think I check that much. )

Anyway, all this got me thinking that I should find out who is really reading this blog 'o mine.

Here's the fun part: (if you wouldn't mind) I want to invite anyone who reads this blog to leave a comment [anonymously] describing yourself. You can be as specific as you want or random.

For example, I know I lurk on other people's blogs and never comment because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't know me from Adam and that just seems weird. But I would leave a comment anonymously like "found this blog from my best friends neighbors sisters aunts husbands blog" or "like you I'm mother to a cranky newborn"

Get the idea? I think it would be fun and funny.

And I'm totally admitting to my comment neediness on this one!

Thanks for playing.

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

2009-12-01T08:14:00.006-07:00

Ever since we have moved I feel like I have been standing still.

And not the good kind of "still".

I keep thinking things like, "once we're done with school then I'll . . ." or "when we have money again then . . . "

I finally realized the other day that we will be in this situation for 3 years. My oldest will be almost 16 when we're done here. I can't just sit around waiting for life to get started again.

Dr. Suess said it the best,

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race . . . headed, I fear,
toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place . . .for people just
waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or
the mail to come, or the rain to go . . .
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a
Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or
Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting. NO! That's not for
you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. . .

Does anyone else ever feel like they are just waiting for life to change so they can get started with their real life?

Here is the question I've decided to ask myself from now on. What would I be doing differently if I had (insert wanted item) right now?

You know what I came up with? Not much.

Those things should not change the way I behave or parent.

So I'm done waiting and now I just have to figure out again what it is I'm supposed to be doing or where it is I am supposed to be going.

I really already know, I just have to keep reminding myself.

War Status Update

2009-11-25T08:30:00.001-07:00

I was told that I needed to provide an update on how "the war" is going.

There seems to be some sort of a cease-fire going on. "A" has been diligently showering everyday and paying for underwear. We did drop the prices like she asked since she has not been arguing or complaining.

Mostly, she's been wearing "B"'s clothes.

I was so ready for more tantrums about the loss of clothes, that I really wasn't prepared for this truce. In fact, I had to ask my husband how long we were going to make her pay for her clothes. We hadn't really discussed it.

This morning the question was asked:

"So, if I wash my clothes do I have to give them back to you and pay for them again? or do I get to keep them?"

"Um, yeah, you can keep them, you paid for them."

"Ok."
No yelling, no fighting, just an eerie calm.

She did break down and pay me $5 this morning for a whole new outfit: pants, shirt, undershirt, socks, underwear.

Do I pay tithing on that?

This Is War!

2009-11-19T10:32:00.008-07:00

Ok, so that title might be a little much. But that is basically how I was feeling earlier this morning. You see, I have a 13 year old daughter. Enough said? She is a really good person. We just have this problem with discipline. I remember going to a class once that was on How to Discipline Your Toddler. And I remember the speaker saying, you're going to need to remember this, because toddlers and teenagers are not that different. Boy, was she right. So I was trying to remember what my teenager was like as a toddler. She was usually really good. The problem of course was when she wasn't. It was hard to discipline her because she didn't care about anything. It was hard to take things away when she didn't care. And when we would get mad at her she thought it was a funny game. The smirk on her face made us even more insane, causing her to smirk even more. Totally vicious circle. Well, now she's a teenager and guess what, she still doesn't care about much. But I think I figured something out. Here's what I got on my pillow this morning:

Dear Mom & Dad,
I am sorry about yesterday. I made bad choices, but you did make pretty violent punishments. Is there any possible way that we could lessen these punishments ever so slightly? It would make it easier on both of us. I mean, you guys have to enforce these punishments. (it's so nice that she cares about us)
Ok, so I don't care about the no reading, no computer time, no watching other's computer time, and all that. At the moment, I think that's for the best. (so glad she agrees) I will not rush through jobs so I can read and end up forgetting my homework. (totally not the problem) I can work on my pillowcase embroidery. I can write letters to my Lehi friends so we can be pen pals.
But the other part of the punishment is the "violent" part. Sneaking into my room and taking all my clothes while I shower is a bit overreactive. I know I showered disobediently (we gave her the choice of showering now or in the morning, when she refused to decide we said - morning) and I'm sorry, but taking my clothes and making me pay for them is quite drastic. (I know, awesome! and it just came to me)
I'm not going to try to persuade you out of making me pay for my clothes, I'd just like to tweak the payments a bit. (I'm glad she's not going to try and persuade us) I'd be much more willing to pay for the clothes this way. I have 3 choices:
Option A: underwear, socks, bras, undershirts - 50c each; shirts, pants - $1 each; church outfits - $3 an outfit; school outfit (this includes undershirt, shirt, pants, socks) $5. I also get 1 article of clothing of your choice every time I do 1 extra job without complaining. This means complete and well done.
Option B: This option is just the prices lessened as show above.
Option C: This option is the job - clothes option only
These options would increase my willingness to help and pay. By the way, the prices before are way too expensive.
Happy Anniversary!
[name]

So is anyone else laughing hysterically over this letter? She is a really good writer. This letter just made my day. But here's the deal, instead of having to pay for clothes this morning, apparently she had a pair of jeans in the bathroom with her that I didn't get. And her sister, who according to her, is mean to her and annoying, let her borrow some clothes. She thought she had totally got us. The smirk was back.

But one thing I learned from her toddler years, I cannot get angry. Well, I mean I cannot lose it. I will just proceed and see how it all goes. She will get extra jobs, she will not be allowed to read. And she will have to pay for clothes to wear. And I'll also make sure that her love bucket is full so she'll want to be good.

But can you see why it's almost like war?

Bread

2009-11-05T10:51:00.003-07:00

I was reading the scriptures the other night and came across Matthew 7:7-11:

". . .what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
. . . if ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"

I remembered that before our move I had prayed very hard that we would be led to where we needed to be. To go where it was best for our family.

Reading those verses made me realize that even if I think that my life is hard right now, this is not a stone where I am. The Lord has actually given me bread.

That's my new mantra for a little while; this is not a stone, it is bread.

Birds and Bees

2009-11-03T20:50:00.003-07:00

This is one of those topics that is never very easy to talk about - but I think it needs to be.

I've heard that the top 3 reasons people get divorced are due to problems in communication, money or sex.

There seem to be lots of classes and suggestions about the first two; but what about sex? No one wants to talk about it (which is reasonable due to the private and intimate nature of it).

But what happens if there is a problem in your relationship in that area? Who or where do you get help from?

There have been LDS books (my favorite) published recently that address this issue and they have been hugely popular. But I always think if I check one out of the library eyebrows are being raised. Especially in this time of rampant pornography it makes it more difficult to seek answers without seeming perverse.

Of course, the most important thing is to be totally candid with your spouse. But what else?

This should be the role of the parents, but how many of us are really comfortable talking about this with them, or they with us. (Luckily, I could talk about this stuff)

I am a very open person (probably too open) but I feel sorry for these young newlyweds who may not know where to turn to.

I've often wondered if there shouldn't be a Relief Society lesson on this subject at least once a year; or a more frank discussion about this in pre-marriage counseling.

There definitely is a line to draw when discussing things so they don't get too personal, but I am believer in how important this part of a marriage is.

Anyone else out there feel the same way?

Conundrum

2009-10-28T11:22:00.002-06:00

Here's something I'm not spending a lot of time thinking about, but it's kind of wierd.

My son came home from school yesterday and asked if I had dated a boy named Matt before. When I said yes, he said, "my friend Paul and I could have been cousins!" His uncle is the Matt I dated.

Now I am a firm believer in children ending up with the families they belong, no matter how they get there.

The question?

Where would my children be if I had married someone different?

His family or mine?

Like I said, it hurts my brain to think about this too much. I'll just love these children to bits while I can.

Lightbulb

2009-10-27T14:44:00.003-06:00

Duh! I just figured out why I can't get anything done.

Baby #2 takes his nap around 9:30am; just in time for me to get ready for the day. He sleeps until it's time to take the kindergartner to school.

Baby #1 takes her nap when we come home. She sleeps until the rest of the kids come home from school; while Baby #2 has awake time.

Does anyone else see the problem here?

So, now that I understand this - what is to be done?

Any suggestions?

Personal Pep Talk

2009-10-24T22:39:00.007-06:00

(I'm having a hard time deciding how to write this blog. It's going to sound whiny and its going to be personal, but here I go anyway.)

I'm struggling.

That's probably not a huge surprise to some.

It was to me, because I like to think that I have it all together. Even when things are kind of hard I still try and stay positive. Maybe it's an image I'm just trying to keep up.

I have awesome friends who came to visit me this week (2 hour drive visit!). I think they knew I needed it. I have friends who called just to check on me this week. I think they knew, too. Now I think that I'm finally ready to admit it to myself.

I'm struggling.

Just saying it out loud makes a difference. Does anyone else have a hard time admitting that maybe life really is hard and you can't do it on your own?

Did you know that the word struggle is in the scriptures?

"O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made." (Mosiah 7:18)

Apparently, many of my strugglings are in vain. So what is this effectual struggle that he talks about?

"But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." (vs. 33)

That is a struggle, to trust. To turn it all over. Not a giving up but giving over. It's letting go of the control that I think I have to have. I will never be able to do it on my own. I will never be able to do it by myself. I need help. The only way I'm going to make it through is by relying on the Lord.

Unfortunately, this does not make the hard things go away. But just remembering that I don't have to do it by myself, remembering that I have someone else to rely on; it makes the struggle an effectual one.

Raising Boys

2009-10-19T21:07:00.003-06:00

So I started out my motherhood with 2 girls. They couldn't be more opposite.

Then I got 2 boys. Again, couldn't be more different.

And now while my girls are hitting that fun hormonal stage and emotions are all over the place, my boys are coming into their own.

Perfect timing.

Just this weekend:

They snuck out of the house and were gone for at least the 30 minutes I spent looking for them (who knows how long before that).

I had to take one to the ER for a cut on his finger that I didn't even find out about until his church teacher came to tell me he was dripping blood all over. (He had woken up early, decided to carve a chestnut, and hid the fact that he had a huge gash on his finger because he thought we would be mad).

I guess I'm just not paying attention like I'm supposed to be.

But really, they're boys, right? What did I expect.

Emotions?

I Am Woman, Hear Me Sing!

2009-10-02T11:00:00.006-06:00

I love being a woman!

And I love belonging to the largest women's organization in the world: The Relief Society of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I know there are people out there who think that Mormon women are relegated to a lower status and have no power.

Whatever.

After our general meeting broadcast on Saturday, I feel like the most powerful person in the world.

I was reminded of all the influence I have as a woman. In my home, in my community, in the world.

I loved the music that they chose for the meeting. The words had such meaning to me.

First, I loved that we sang the 7th verse of 'How Firm a Foundation':

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
no never forsake.

( Can you tell that I really like that word never!)

Then for the closing hymn 'As Sisters in Zion':

As sisters in zion, we'll all work together;
The blessing of god on our labors we'll seek.
We'll build up his kingdom with earnest endeavor;
We'll comfort the weary and strengthen the weak.

The errand of angels is given to women;
and this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim;
to do whatsoever is gentle and human,
To cheer and to bless in humanity's name.

How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission,
if we but fulfill it in spirit and deed.
Oh, naught but the Spirit's divinest tuition
Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.

When I was serving a mission my I changed the 3rd verse to: how vast is our purpose "we're broads on a mission!" And I've already discovered that wisdom comes from experiences.

So, let me give you my interpretation of that last verse.

What is my mission? To serve others. But, only God can give me the experiences I need to succeed. (Whether I think I want those experiences or not.)

So what am I trying to say?

Just that I love being a woman - ROAR!!!!!

Smart Kids

2009-09-18T21:30:00.003-06:00

Yeah, yeah, I know, I have smart kids. I hear it from people all the time.

Whatever.

I know its not a bad thing, but there are a few drawbacks. Mainly, that they never really have to work hard at stuff.

I was the same way as a kid. I just coasted through everything I did. It was all easy.

My dad's way of putting it was "you're not really reaching your full potential".

He was right.

Kids who have to work at school to really learn and understand are usually better off as they get older because they are used to doing hard things.

Kids who are constantly told that they are smart shy away from things that are hard because they think it should be easy because they're smart.

I see my kids doing this. Whenever something comes around that is hard for them, they freak out. They want to quit. (Luckily, we have our motto)

I try to explain to them that its good if something is hard, because then you're increasing your brain muscle. If everything is alway easy then your brain never grows.

We are working on this at home now. I hear myself using this statement a lot more: We do hard stuff.

I like saying that. It makes me feel good and reminds me not to get discouraged when life seems hard.

I'm so smart aren't I?

Re-Run

2009-08-31T14:12:00.005-06:00

So I just sent my fifth child off to kindergarten.

She was soooo ready to go.

I was almost sad sending her off, but she just walked right in without looking back and didn't want me to come in or anything.

She has been waiting forever for this day. Watching all of her older siblings go.

It was only a couple of years ago that I was thinking that she would be my last one. I was so excited as I looked forward to that moment of having no children at home.

Now, here I am at home alone with my two "bonus babies".

Part of me wonders why I don't feel frustrated that I still have babies at home instead of my first plan.

But I know I am privileged to have them.

Part of me is giddy with the thought of only having 2 kids at home. (We are going to have so much fun!)

I'm sure that day will come when I finally do send the "last one" off to school. But for now I will enjoy this time in my life.

Even if it does feel a bit like a re-run.

Worth It

2009-08-28T10:51:00.005-06:00

I have an 18 month old. (again)

She is a terror.

One day I was particularly frustrated with her. But, at night she finally let me rock her before she went to sleep. (she has never done that before)

My heart totally melted while I held her and Irealized, this is what makes it worth it.

All the tantrums and naughtiness I can deal with, if I can just hold her close to me for a little while.

Then I thought about my teenager.

She is not a terror, but not far from it some days.

And I realized that I don't get a chance to wash away those feelings by holding her and rocking her to sleep.

So what can I do instead to make me realize that it is all worth it?

Laughing with her, crying with her, letting her become more than I think she is ready for.

Of course it's worth it.

Snap Out Of It!

2009-08-17T22:12:00.002-06:00

Saturday, I got to experience what a rubber-band feels like.

I left a place where I have the lived the longest time of my married life.

It was physically painful to drive away. (I seriously almost had to pull the car over.)

I remember I had a similar feeling when I left my mission. I felt like I was leaving a part of me behind.

This time was even harder.

I feel like since I have lived there, I have become who I want to be. Not a perfect person by any means, but I feel as if I found myself.

That has everything to do with the people I associated with; my friends.

So, as I drove away I felt so stretched - - I did not want to leave and I felt that I would break at any moment.

But then I felt that I was being propelled further ahead to my new life with a determination to live the way I had been taught by the friends that I was leaving.

So as painful as the stretching was, I know that it was a means for me to be a better person.

I will serve greater, give more generously, and love more freely.

And I will never forget how I got where I am.

Rings

2009-08-12T17:31:00.003-06:00

Just a shout out to my kids new primary teachers (whoever they may be):

WE DO NOT NEED ANY MORE CTR RINGS!

This comes as I am packing and organizing my house. I have found at least 5 rings on the floor in random places. Not to mention the dozen or so rings that are tucked away in various jewelry boxes.

Please do not believe my child when they tell you they don't have one or that they lost theirs.

Not true!

Believe me when I say that I am not against "choosing the right" or kind primary teachers or the joy on my child's face when they show me the shiny new ring with a huge smile on their face.

I am against the dents these rings leave in my feet when I step on them.

And I am against the welt it leaves in my child's finger (not to mention the green stain) from the total 1 & 1/2 hours they may wear it.

And have you heard the sound they make when the vacuum is trying to suck them up? Yikes!

I guess I should just throw them away, but that seems sacrilegious. (Honestly can anyone say they would be comfortable throwing one of these away?)

In these hard economic times, I would think this is an area that we can cut back on.

I guess we could just recycle them back to the primary closet (but then you wouldn't get those lovely plastic bags they come in either).

Time

2009-08-02T16:51:00.002-06:00

So I haven't really been in the blogging mode lately. But I feel like I should probably write something. For the past four weeks I've spent a lot of time sitting. And I've read a lot of books. Here is the list of what I've read:

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
The Cellist of Sarajevo
The Hobbit
The Lord of the Rings
The Host
The Mysterious Edge of the Heroic World
Austenland
My Antonia
The Last Olympian
Queste
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
39 Clues book 3
The Optimist's Daughter

Yes, this is what I do with my time instead of sleeping now. But, if you are looking for a good book to read, or if you've just read one you want to share, let me know. My reading splurge should end sometime in the next month or so.

How to be a mom to 6 kids

2009-06-15T20:43:00.003-06:00

I sometimes have people ask me how I can handle 6 kids. Or they say, "you are just the kind of person who could do that, I never could."

Well, I'm here to confess how I do it.

On many days I become Robo-Mom!

This means I go throughout my day in a robotic motion, with no 'e'motion at all. The kids could be screaming and fighting and whining and I am oblivious to it all. My eyes are glazed over and I just go about the little things that need to be done.

"Must make sandwiches, must fold laundry, I can't hear anything, etc."

There are even times when the Robo-Mom's laser guns are set and I become Robo-Mom-Inator. Watch out then, because you never know what will set me off. At this point the kids really do scatter.

I tell you its a survival skill.

The problem with all of this is that I miss out on the joy of everything going on around me.

So I try to not always be Robo-Mom.

But if people want to know how I do it, well you asked for it.

Oh Dear Me

2009-06-07T20:02:00.002-06:00

So my friend is putting together this great blog with letters from women to their younger selves. Anyone can do it. I thought I'd share mine here, too.

Dear Me at 14:

So, I know you’re getting ready for the biggest night of your life: your first stake dance. I mean how lucky can you be to turn 14 on the same day you get to go to the dance. And I know its black, red and white night. And I know you have your eyes on a couple of boys already. You have waited so long for this and can’t wait to flirt with those boys! Do it!! Have fun!! But, let me give you just a few suggestions about the whole boy thing. You are not going to marry any of them! Get this into your head now or else you’ll spend the next 10 years (that’s right 10 years) of your life asking yourself if this boy or that boy is the “one” for you. I’m telling you now: NO! So stop worrying about it.

Now, don’t worry. You do end up getting married. And to the most amazing person in the world. He is perfect for you, and so completely different from your image of him right now. So don’t go looking for him. He will find you. In fact, you’re not even going to want to date this boy at first.

But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out there and have fun and date. By all means, enjoy this time. It’s a blast! Date as much as you can. (Although I would stay away from that one boy in college who takes you to the basketball game. That one is totally not worth it.) But just have fun and don’t worry so much about getting serious.

You know what is more important than all these boys – your girlfriends, including your sisters. Pay more attention to them. They are the ones who will always be there for you. There will be many boys and lots of tears. But the constant thing in your life will be your girlfriends. The thing is, you can learn so much more from these girls than all those boys you end up kissing. (Yes, don’t get too excited but you will end up kissing, a lot). So instead of being worried about what these boys think of you and if they like you, (they either do or they don’t) try and build lasting relationships with your girlfriends. Listen to them and don’t just talk about boys. Talk about your goals and your dreams for the future. Forget about yourself and all those boys that you think are sooo cute. You are an amazing person no matter what any boy thinks of you. And your friends love you no matter what, so love them back more.

For now, get that eyeliner going, that permed hair teased up a little bit more, and don’t forget to run through that musk perfume. It’s a great night. “He” will be waiting for you ten years down the road. So leave all these boys in the dust and dance it up!!!

Love,

Me at 39

Summer Vacation Begins

2009-06-01T08:38:00.004-06:00

Like vultures they hover,
circling,
ready to eat.
The sound begins to increase as I scurry to get the food ready.
Then down they descend quickly,
noisily,
and devour as fast as possible;
until the noise is unbearable.

Then without warning it is over.
They fly away and it is quiet once again.
I'm left to clean up and
wait . . .
wait . . .
until the hovering
and circling
begins again.

1 Cluff 14:1-17

2009-05-14T10:01:00.003-06:00

1. And it came to pass that the word of the Lord came unto the father of the home saying: Follow me and I will lead you to a great promised land.
2. And the father answered: Yes, we will go.
3. Then the word of the Lord came saying that the way to the promised land would pass through the valley of learning, and the father said: Yes, I will go to the promised land; but is there another way to go that does not lead through this terrible valley? (for the father had struggled in this valley before)
4. So the father took his family and began to make preparations for the journey, as there were many papers to be filled out and interviews to be had as the family sought their own way to the promised land.
5. Then the word of the Lord came again unto the father of the home saying: Follow me and I will lead you to a promised land through the valley of learning.
6. And the father answered: Yes, we will go even if we have to go through that treacherous valley.
7. So the father took his family and left their home and their comforts and began the journey towards the valley, not knowing beforehand what they should do.
8. And they were led to a not so fertile, but comfortable, land on the edge of the valley and they set up camp. And they awaited for the way through the valley to be shown.
9. And while they were camped, they met many people who sheltered them and fed them and comforted them.
10. And after many days, the word of the Lord came again saying: Here is the way through the valley. But it is not time to go yet.
11. So the family once again began preparations for the journey. And while they were preparing they discovered a different way through the valley that seemed to them to shine greater and be more acceptable to them. So they planned their journey in this better way.
12. And as they planned, they became lost and could not see their way. And they floundered in the wilderness for many days until the way was blocked before them.
13. And it came to pass that they went back and began again in the way the Lord had shown them. And though the way seemed more difficult at least there was light.
14. And now it came to pass that the word of the Lord came again saying: Thou shalt construct a vehicle to help you across this valley.
15. And the father answered: Yes, we will build it; if thou wilt show unto us how to construct it as we have no idea what we are doing.
16. And it came to pass that at this time the family is constructing a way to be able to pass through the valley of learning to the promised land. And they know that the way will take about three years. And there are many questions as to how they will live upon this vehicle and how it will run. But they will put their trust in the Lord.
17. And they know that they will be led by the Lord not knowing beforehand what will come. And they have hope in the Lord for what is ahead. And they have faith that the Lord will show them all ways through the difficulties, for there shall be many. And even if they do not actually make it to the promised land, they will be joyful in knowing that the Lord is leading them.

And while I'm on the subject . . .

2009-05-06T13:18:00.003-06:00

. . . of not wanting to make our kids feel bad, can I just say something about winners?

Why is it that we have to make every kid feel good, even when they lose?

Now I'm not saying that I want kids to suffer or feel bad, but I feel like we are short-changing the kids who really try hard at stuff. And we're not teaching our kids how to lose.

Two Examples: Pinewood Derby. Movie Day.

First, in our Cub Scout Pack, they just give out stickers to everyone who races in the Pinewood Derby. No prizes or anything for the fastest car. And then they make up awards for everyone. Stuff like: most colorful, best use of color, etc. They want everyone to be happy. Yea! big warm fuzzies for everyone.

Second, we recently had a Movie Day at our school. They encouraged the kids to bring cars made out of boxes. They talked about how some dads really got into the whole designing thing and what support it shows to the school. And then they said there would be prizes for the best cars. Well, once they saw all of the cars they decided that there were too many good ones to choose between and everyone got a little sticker. Rah Rah!

Think of how the world works. In the real world, you usually get paid money for high quality work. And if you don't produce the way you're supposed to, you lose your job. But that's not what we're teaching our kids.

What are we teaching our kids? "You don't really have to try that hard at stuff because everyone's going to get a prize." Or, "Why bother working at something when there's really no reward."

Well, what about internal motivators? They should just feel "special inside" for a job well done and not worry about the results. Tell your boss that next time he's not happy with your performance.

And you can't tell me the kid whose pinewood derby car barely makes it down the track is going to made happy with stickers or a made up certificate. So why not give the ones who deserve it something anyway.

Now I know there are some arguments about those kids who don't really do much anyway, "its their parents doing all the work". But then you are presented with another teaching opportunity for your own kid. And too bad if that other kid grows up thinking that someone else is responsible for their success.

I think its a cop out on the part of the judges, too. They're too scared to make decisions. "I'm afraid I'll hurt someone's feelings." But they are only thinking about the losers and not the kids who actually deserve recognition. Do they ever think that their feelings may be hurt, too.

I say let's have real contests again with winners and losers!!

CTR

2009-04-30T11:37:00.001-06:00

I was having a discussion with some other moms about what to do when your child does not want to go to church. Do you force them to go anyway? (When we were all little, there really wasn't an option, you had to go. )

I, personally, hate the thought of forcing anyone to do anything. So, I believe that they should be allowed to choose. Because life is about making choices.

Of course with guidelines.

If the child's choice takes away the choice of another, that makes a difference. (Like if your child is too young to stay home by themselves, "sorry you have to go. You can sit in the lobby the whole time, but you can't take away my choice to go to church.")

And they also need to be taught that they don't get to choose the consequences. (Like if you choose to stay home from church then the consequences will be-no tv, clean the house while we're gone, earlier to bed, etc.)

I decided this is what I would say:

"I'm sorry that you feel like you don't want to go to church. Church is an important part of my life. This is what we do as a family. This is what Heavenly Father wants us to do. There are reasons for this. We get to take the sacrament, we get to feel the spirit, we learn from the lessons, and we get to visit with others with the same beliefs. Choosing not to go to church is the wrong choice to make. There will be consequences. Some, you may not see for a while, but here are some that will be immediate. You will clean your room while we are gone. And you will need to go to bed 1/2 hr early tonight. I really wish that you would come because it really is the right thing to do."

Now, I really don't like telling my child that what they've done is the wrong thing or that they have sinned. It doesn't make me feel good. And I think its something that my whole generation has a problem with - making our children feel bad. Of course we want them to be happy. But how else are they going to learn about the difference between right and wrong?

There is less and less emphasis on right vs. wrong in the world. The world tells us that we shouldn't feel bad for our choices. That everyone is entitled to their own opinion. "It's just a choice; not good or bad."

But not everything is just a choice. There are such things as wrong choices and we have to be willing to teach that, even if it makes someone feel bad.

"BFF"

2009-04-10T11:34:00.002-06:00

Have you ever thought how you end up being friends with the people you are friends with? I was thinking about this today and wondering how I ended up with my college friends. I wasn't roommates with any of them in the dorms. And we didn't really have a lot in common. We all liked different kinds of music, and we were all from different states.

So then I started thinking farther back to my high school friends. My best friend in HS was not into sports at all like I was. And we didn't even have a lot of classes together. So what was it?

I think most of my friendships are complementary types of relationships. And maybe that's just my personality to surround myself with people who have the attributes that I wish I had, but don't.

So then I started thinking about my best friend now. For some reason I always thought I'd marry a football player, or at least someone totally into sports like me. But as I look back on the boys I dated, none of them played any type of sport. (hindsight's 20/20 right?) So what was it? He was so totally different from me. A fact which I pointed out to him quite regularly.

But then one night he told me a story. His little 9 year old sister had gotten a "pink slip" at school because she and her friend had made up a song about their "flat-bottomed" teacher. He couldn't even get through the whole story because he was laughing so hard. And that is what made me decide to marry him. If he could make me laugh like this and even better, if we could laugh together, that was it!

I realize now that humor has always played a role in my friendships. But humor is so limiting of a description. I think its more of a "joy in the moment" kind of thing.

So, I guess if you can make me laugh - you're in.

Endurance

2009-03-12T11:39:00.003-06:00

So, my oldest daughter has decided to try out for the junior high track team. I totally support this because she's never really joined anything. But, I was a little surprised. She hated soccer tryouts mostly because of the running. So I prepared her for what was going to happen. This is what I said:

"This is going to be hard. You are just going to be running. And you are going to feel like you want to die. You are going to want to stop running. You are going to want to quit. You may not even be able to run one lap without stopping. And then your muscles are going to be really sore. But it will get better. Maybe not the next day. In fact, the next day will probably be even worse. You will be sore and want to quit again. But by the following week you will notice that you are able to run a little bit farther than before. Also, you are not allowed to compare yourselves to others while you run. I don't care if you are the slowest or the last one in. I only want you to focus on how much you have improved over time. You are basically only racing against yourself."

Well, listening to myself I realized it was exactly what I needed to hear. Life seems kind of hard right now. And I've been complaining about it. And this little pep talk is exactly what I needed for myself. I may feel like quitting, but it will get better. Eventually it will feel easier. And I'm not competing against anyone, I'm just trying to improve myself.

Well, she's still running. And she's starting to notice that she can go a little bit farther than before. She's still getting discouraged over little things, but she's not giving up.

And neither will I.

All Alone

2009-02-26T10:19:00.004-07:00

So I've been thinking a lot lately about days of yore. When I had a lot of really little babies running around my house.

I always felt that there was no one else in exactly the same situation that I was in.

And I also felt that I would never be done with the picking up toys, wiping noses (and other places), kissing bumps, and the regular chaos that comes from children.

I hated running errands because I hated buckling 2 or 3 carseats, over and over again. And I was so exhausted when I came home from the "don't touch!" "come back!" "stop hitting!" "stop whining!" (actually this part never really ends).

We never went out on dates. We just put the kids to bed early and hung out.

We never really slept either, because there was always somebody up at night or crawling into bed with us.

I think the only way I made it through those times was my once a week play group (that I always started wherever I moved to) and my friends.

It was just so nice to visit with other moms and find out that I wasn't really alone in dealing with all these things; or even if I was, I could have other people laugh with me about it.

Everyone used to say to me that it goes by so fast and I'll regret it when its gone. When I was in the middle of it, I didn't want to hear about how I'd miss it someday. Yeah right. It never felt very fast to me.

Now all of a sudden I'm a somewhat older mom who seems to have it together. And now that its almost gone, I still don't really miss it.

I can run errands alone.

I have almost two built-in babysitters.

I mostly sleep at night (except when I can't fall asleep because I'm worrying).

Cleaning doesn't take as long as it used to because I have help, most can wipe stuff alone, and although the chaos is louder, its funnier, too.

There are still things to worry about; they're just not as physical. There's a lot more mental work going on. Its not easier or harder than it used to be; just different and bigger.

And guess what, I still go to play group and listen to how other people deal with these issues or at least laugh with the other moms about all of it.

But I feel for all the moms out there who are where I used to be. All I can say is that you are not alone!

Chaos Managed

2009-02-16T20:12:00.002-07:00

So I just felt the need today to organize something; to get some part of my life in order.
I have been sick for the last two weeks and things are almost falling apart. (luckily I'm married to a lifesaver!)

So as I looked around at the stacks of dishes, piles of laundry, unvacuumed floor, scattered toys, miles of papers, etc. I decided to . . .

. . . plan and organize my garden.

I picked out what I'm going to grow and where I will plant it. I even drew a picture of what it would look like.
It just made me feel so much better.

When my lifesaver (see above) asked why the need to do that, I realized I just needed to be able to have some of my chaos managed without really putting any effort into it.

And you know what, it worked.

Later I did attack the dishes and laundry.
I even made bread.

So for me, I guess, just writing stuff down and feeling organized in one area helps me get started on the rest of the stuff.

At least I can hope so!

New Blog

2009-01-28T14:44:00.003-07:00

I'm trying out a new blog.

http://foodthatworks.blogspot.com

Mostly because I am bored with all of my recipes and I hate coming up with the 2 week menu.

Please feel free to add "comments" (recipes) so I don't have to think so much. (You can comment on any of them even the old ones.)
I've already used some of the ideas with great success!

Round-Trip Ticket to VA

2009-01-19T17:53:00.002-07:00

So I am looking for anyone who might be interested in flying back to Virginia the second week of June. I need an adult who will accompany my daughter. You would have to find your own lodging but I can make the airfare worth your while (cheap cheap cheap cheap). Anyone interested? Let me know soon.

Adopt-a-Highway

2009-01-13T20:26:00.004-07:00

So, I was traveling down the highway the other day and saw that Quilted Bear had adopted a section of it.

My immediate thought was, "where are all the cute things?"

You know, like vinyl lettering on the guardrails? quilted road signs? etc.

If my highway looked like me. . . (instead of me looking like a highway) . . . I'd have some basketball hoops, kids artwork, book titles on the overpasses, candy bar wrappers everywhere, and more grass.

What would your highway look like?

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

2009-01-11T19:35:00.003-07:00

I have been thinking about friends lately. And how I have not been a very good friend.

You know how sometimes you just know that you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, but you just go on not doing it anyway.

I've been that way for about the last 6 weeks.

And I realize that I've abandoned all of my friends in the process.

My friends could have helped me be a better person this last little while. And yet I turned away from them.

My friends make me feel good about myself. They let me talk. They encourage me. They ask the right questions. They say the right things. They believe in me. They remind me who I am.

But isn't it always true that when you are messing up your life, you don't want to be reminded by others that it's not who you really are?

Luckily, there are so many people in my life who love me and whom I consider "friends". I was reminded of this when a friend called just to see how I was doing. And another I ran into said they had been thinking about me all week. My friends never left. So where did I go?

I think I got swallowed.

"No waters can swallow the ship where lies The Master of ocean and earth and skies."

Life is hard. But when I keep God close to me, I don't get swallowed. He never leaves, but I often leave Him. And when I do turn back to Him, it is always a good thing. Sometimes hard, but always good.

It is the same with friends. It might be awkward to start being a friend again. There may be a few bumps. And I know that sometimes friendships change over time (and space). And different people will come into our lives at different times for different reasons.

But I realize how much I need friends to be the kind of person I want to be.

And I need God in my life, to become the person I want to be.

Warning: content not suitable for children

2009-01-04T20:13:00.007-07:00

First, I've got to tell you about this great book series our family found. It's called "The Adventures of Ordinary Boy". He lives in a town where everyone has super-powers except for him. And everyone gets named after their super-powers (hence Ordinary Boy). But most of them have pretty lame powers. One of my favorite is Melonhead. His head is actually shaped like a watermelon, he spits seeds all the time, and he thinks he's the greatest thing in the world. And his best friend's name is Stench (no explanation needed hopefully). Anyway, on to my blog.

I decided that if I was to have a super hero name like from the book I would be: "Half-A#* Girl". (And no that would not have anything to do with the way I looked!!)

I just feel like I never really go full out for anything. I can start something and then it just kind of dies. I get all kinds of good ideas and then phllbbbttt . . . nothing ever happens. I do everything just half- a*#! (ok, I'll say way)

In the past I've set goals like:

Learn a new language (I know the words from the first semester of spanish - see here)
Do a triathlon (I bought a swimsuit)
Run a marathon (I ran a 5k)
Be a meteorologist (I have a weather gauge)
Lose 25 lbs (I lost 20)
Give up chocolate (I actually did this for a whole year, so I know I have it in me)
Learn to play the piano (again, since it was only half-a*# the first time)

Now my kids are starting to inherit their mother's super-powers and that is totally not acceptable.

My new years resolution is to do something all the way.

So I can change my super hero name.

Something more suitable for children.

Generous

2008-12-24T09:01:00.004-07:00

So I am the daughter of an accountant. That probably doesn't really explain anything but I pretend that's the reason I am obsessed with money. Or rather with the control of it.

I wasn't always this way.

We used to not really have a lot of money and we just spent it as it came. That was until we had to pawn a wedding ring to pay for medicine because the next paycheck had not arrived yet (a story for another time). Since then I have been a budgeting queen. I have to know where all the money goes - down to the penny.

I thought I was doing pretty good. We were able to start saving and we had what we needed. Then we started making a little bit more money and I was able to spend on more than just needs.

It was nice.

But I didn't realize how much money controlled my life until it all went away. We had almost 3 months with no income.

Talk about an awakening.

But the awakening was not so much the lack of money; it was the freedom that I felt.

I had never realized how much money was suffocating me. Not having it was almost like being able to breathe again. I didn't have to worry about where my money was being spent or how I wanted to spend it, because there was none.

I told myself then, that I never wanted money to take over my life again.

Well, now we have some money again. Not as much as we used to, but some money. I have to be wise about how to spend it. But I am trying hard not to let it take over my life.

I realize that everything I've been given comes from God anyway. And being a good steward over my money does not mean being miserly.

The reason I have been thinking about this is because we are the recipients of the '12 days of Christmas'. It has been so exciting for the kids each night to hear a knock at the door and see what has been left for us.

It has been even more humbling for me to see how generous our "secret friends" are. It amazes me that they would spend so much money on us. So generous.

Now, I believe that I am a generous person . . . in some things. I give freely of my time and my talents. But when it comes to money, not so much. I have done the '12 days' for others before. I was not so generous.

I realize that being generous does not mean overdoing it (going into debt). But I do not want money to be the controlling factor in the decisions that I make in life. Its said that the "love of money is the root of all evil". I think that obsessing over it like I tend to is not far off that same path.

I am happy for the lessons that I am being taught now. Thank goodness that I have examples to help show me the right way.

Thank you secret friends.

Arrived

2008-12-06T11:36:00.002-07:00

Does anyone else ever feel like they just haven't "arrived" yet. I look around at my high school friends, college roommates, family, etc. and they all look like they have it completely together. They seem settled, happy. They seem to have a real life. But then I look at my own life and wonder why am I so late doing everything? My life seems so far behind where everyone else is.

I guess it's a matter of expectations. What does "arrived" look like to me? Unfortunately, I'm probably mostly thinking of material things. The nice house, the nice decor (not things taped to walls), a steady job, the right kind of toys, the money.

But I also know what really matters. Its the question: have I "arrived" spiritually? Am I where I should be now? When I think about how much I have learned and grown in the past few years I definitely see improvement. In some ways I will never really "arrive" spiritually because its the journey that counts. And I can't do it on my own anyway. Luckily, I have a lot of really good examples of people "arriving": high school friends, college roommates, family, etc.

Its always good for me to remember these things and know that I'm doing ok, even if it may not look that way with my own "material" eyes. And to make sure that I look at others this way as well. Because hopefully someday we will all "arrive" at the same place anyway.

Thanksgiving Roles

2008-11-26T10:30:00.003-07:00

No that is not a misspelling. I'm talking about the role that I always seem to fall into when I'm around family.

I'm the 4th in a family of six and I have always considered myself the middle child. My role, so it seems, was to be the 'funny' one. And therefore no one ever takes me seriously.

That seems so incongruous with my real life though. I mean I still like to think that I'm funny, but I think most people take me seriously now.

What I wonder is, is it my family that keeps me doing this when we all get together? or is it me not allowing them to see me any other way?

Of course, the next question is, are there ways that I'm expecting certain other siblings to act that's not allowing them to change and be different than they used to be?

We all grow up and mature and if we are lucky enough to move on from the past, we can make needed changes to our personality. But within the family, its harder to change. We pigeonhole each other into certain roles to play: funny one, serious one, baby, princess, etc. But I think that especially in a family we should be willing to allow for growth and change in each other.

My goal this thanksgiving is to be 'me' and let others be 'them' and see if we can't get past this roles thing.

8 Things

2008-11-14T08:21:00.003-07:00

1. I almost always wear socks. I can't stand barefeet.

2. I still dream about playing professional soccer some day.

3. I used to hate to shower and now I can't really start my day until I do.

4. I hate changing my clothes. (that is once I've finally decided on what to wear)

5. I have no desire to work.

6. I never watch tv.

7. My husband cracks me up with his songs. (he makes them up all the time)

8. I totally wish I homeschooled my kids.

Halloween Candy

2008-11-01T11:55:00.003-06:00

So I'm looking for comments here. What do you do with your Halloween candy?

When I was a kid it was like a huge trading post. We separated our candies into their piles and then commenced making deals with each other. "I'll give you two tootsie rolls and a squirrel nut for a snickers - what are you kidding?"

In my family we have tried several strategies. You get 10 pieces of candy a day, but they get taken away as a punishment one piece at a time. "That's ok I still have 6 pieces left!"

Then there was the weaning one. You get 10 today and 8 tomorrow, then 6 the next day, until we are down to the normal one or two pieces a day. but that just seemed to drag out the sugar high. "Hey we're supposed to get 6 today - waaaaaahhhh!"

Now we dump all of our candy into one bowl (or two) and then we sort it. (what did we get the most of? the least of?) Then we dump it back in and dig in. For the last two years we just go for it. Everyone can eat as much as they want, whenever they want, until its all gone. "Mom, I don't feel so good."

This year I let everyone choose out 10 pieces that are just theirs. They can trade them for something else from the big bowl, but they cannot replace them. "Hey I don't remember eating one of my special ones but now there's only 9!"

Anyway, what are your ways. And don't tell me you just eat it slowly and it lasts for months. Whatever.

Tunnel Vision

2008-10-24T13:25:00.003-06:00

So lately I've been thinking about age. It's been coming up a lot in conversations. It seems to be that at some point everyone goes through a type of awakening. I guess some would call it a mid-life crisis. One of my friends says it happens around 31 or 32 and that sounds about right to me.

So this is what my "awakening" was like. By the time I was 32, I had 4 kids. But I kept wondering when being a mom was going to start feeling real to me. I felt like I was just pretending. I also felt like I didn't know any one who was in the exact same situation as me. I just didn't fit in anywhere.

I have come to believe that most women around this same age feel exactly the same way. "I just don't fit in. Everyone else seems to have it together or know what they're doing and I'm just winging it here."

And then comes the flip.

I'm not sure what happens, maybe life just gets so busy that you stop thinking about yourself and move on and before you know it, it's different. You no longer walk on a college campus and wonder if you still fit in. You walk on it and think, "these kids are so young". You no longer are one of the younger people in your ward. You are in the group that the younger moms look up to.

The reason I call this tunnel vision is because at the beginning of a tunnel you still have the light from behind you to guide you (the way things have always been). But somewhere in the middle that light is too far away to see and you have to start looking for the new light which lies ahead (the way you want to be).

I think of the women I look up to. Moms, grandmas, "older" sisters. And it must be that the closer you get to the end of the tunnel the more sure you become. I'll call it wisdom.

I'm not in a hurry to get to the end of the tunnel, but I am looking forward to that wisdom.

You Have 362 Friend Requests!

2008-10-09T20:06:00.007-06:00

Facebook. It’s a drug.

It all started because my sister got on it. She got on because our other sister was on it. Then my mom got on and my brother. My niece was already on it, because, well, I guess she's young and cool and that’s what they do. I decided that I would be very selective about it. I’ll only use it with close family. Meanwhile, more and more of my “close” family was getting on: nieces, nephews, in-laws, cousins . . . college roommates. I know they are not close family, but they’re just like family. It won’t be bad if I use it with them. It was getting so much fun.

Then the day came that I got a request to use it with someone I knew in high school. I didn’t know them really well. But I was curious.

Here I am reminded of a poem my mom used to always say to us:

Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As, to be hated, needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.

Look what curiosity got me. (see title) I was so selective at first. What happened?

So now what do I do? Is there a way to use it responsibly?

Maybe the placebo could be: “Hey! I remember you. It’s so good to see you! What have you been up to? Oh, remember when . . . Yeah, it’s so great to see you too! We should really keep in touch. OK, Bye!”
No side effects.

Maybe I could just use it as a medication.

I don’t think there’s anyway I could just go cold turkey.

Facebook. I tell you, it’s a drug.

Our Best Selves

2008-10-01T14:15:00.003-06:00

There are two sides to me. The "good-guy self" where I try really hard to be nice. And then the "bad-guy self" who, well. . . doesn't.

Right now I'm waiting for my husband to come home so I can vent to him about all the things that happened today that I was nice about that I didn't want to be.(take a breath now) And I thought why should I let him see this "bad-guy" side of me? Shouldn't it be more important to be my "good-guy" self to my loved ones than to others? Will my "good-guy" self implode if I don't have a down time for it? Should I even have two sides to my self? So many questions. Here's my answer:

I will try harder to be my "best self" to my family. Because when, not if, I fail they will still love me.

Onions

2008-09-30T13:06:00.004-06:00

I smelled onions on my hands today.

It reminded me of my Mom.

I don't cook with onions much.

Tom doesn't like them.

But I clearly remember being hugged by my mom as a child and smelling onions on her hands.

What smells will remind my children of me?

Just one more thing that makes me feel like a real mom - the smell of onions on my hands.

I could take it off with neutralizer soap . . . not a chance.

I'll keep the smell for a while.

Hopefully no one minds.

To Be Proud or Not to Be?

2008-09-28T13:36:00.005-06:00

Ok, here's a dilemma. I have a child (I will refer to her as A) who has started being sarcastic. Why the dilemma? Well, part of me is worried that she is going to end up being snotty like her father and mother. But the other (bigger) part of me is just proud that she is finally getting it!

It's kind of weird the things I get proud of as a parent. For instance, one time at parent teacher conference this same child had given herself low marks in respects authority. When her teacher asked her why the low marks, she replied, "well, if someone in authority told me to do something bad I wouldn't do it." Unfortunately, I couldn't high five her in front of the teacher. But I really wanted to!

What kind of child am I raising? Apparently, one who thinks for herself and is funny, finally.

Aaargh!

2008-09-27T21:52:00.003-06:00

I'm trying so hard to be a good blogger. I'm trying to make my page look not so boring. So I'm looking at all the cute backgrounds I could get for my blog and they all have flowers or cute little things on them that look like scrapbooks stuff. I am not a scrapbooker. Unless you count putting pictures on a white page and then writing something about it next to it. That's at least a step up from cutting out sayings that I found from magazines and putting them with the pictures. Of course, now I don't even print my pictures off of my camera or computer. At least, I try to leave my computer on so we can at least see some of the pictures on the screen saver (for 3 seconds). But back to the cute blog thing. I don't really want a cute blog. I just want it to look the way I feel, which if there was one with sweatpants and chocolate maybe I'd be all about that one. Actually, maybe my problem is that I'm not really sure what I'm doing here!!!! Help. Any tips or comments are appreciated! As for now, I will just continue on . . . you know . . . NEVER GIVE UP!

Myrtle Budge

2008-09-16T11:04:00.002-06:00

Here's an explanation for my computer name. Back in the days when I was fun, our group of friends decided to make up names for ourselves. We had our "cool" name and then we had our "nerd" name. Our cool name could be whatever we wanted, (mine happened to be Brittney! which could be a whole 'nother blog) but our nerd name had to be the same initials as our own. (My apologies to anyone out there with nerdy names.) Here are some nerd names I remember: Delilah Pipin, Sylvia Nixon, Regina Sue. I'm trying to remember why we did this. I guess when you are a teenager, you don't really have to have a reason. But I think it had to do with stake dances. I think we would use those names when we were asked to dance by boys we didn't know or like. What's funny is,it's not like we got asked to dance very much anyway. Maybe these names gave us the idea that we could actually be nerdier than we really were already. Who knows. But now, I kind of like the name. Unfortunately that might be because it fits me now more than ever. But also because it brings back great memories. May Myrtle Budge live on forever!

The Title

2008-07-06T14:37:00.002-06:00

So, a little explanation for the title of my blog,

"Never Give Up!"

Several years ago, when we lived in Tooele, my oldest child entered a citywide coloring contest. She had her hopes up that she would win. So to get her prepared for any result I told her that "Cluff's never win." I thought it was kind of a harmless little thing for her to learn at the age of 4, because face it, most of the time we lose. When some of my friends heard this little saying they thought it was sad - so we added "but at least they keep trying".

Well, she ended up winning something.

The next time there was a contest, we couldn't use the first mantra, so we changed it to, "we might not win, but we'll never give up". Well the last part of that has just developed a life of its own. Cluff's never give up!

When this started I had no idea the impact it would have on my family.

This is too hard - Cluff's never give up!
I don't want to . . . - Cluff's never give up!
That's not fair - Cluff's never give up!
But everyone else . . . - Cluff's never give up!

Its effect has not just been for the kids either. Right now we have some major obstacles looming in front of our family. Major decisions that must be made. It would be so much easier to take the road well-traveled. To just go the way its already going. But what do I keep hearing in my head -

Cluff's never give up!

The Beginning of Something Great

2008-07-03T09:44:00.001-06:00

I guess its about time I started doing this. I constantly have a running blog in my head, so I might as well share it with the world.