School Work

I want to write about COVID-19 school.

I have two in high school (10th,12th) and two in middle school (5th, 6th).

Our schools/teachers moved everything on-line rather quickly when they shut school down.

The middle school had packets to pick up for 2 weeks worth of work.

The high school teachers emailed students and sent links to work.

They offer ZOOM meetings for kids to join if they want to; but it's not required.

We had a scheduled spring break during this closure time and the teacher's aren't giving homework during that time.

It was very stressful at first.

I did not want my kids to fall behind.

But, even more stressful, was trying to keep up on everyone's work and making sure that it was getting done.


Sidenote:
I have homeschooled almost all of my kids at different points in their school life.

And it took a while to get the right mindset.

In regular school, there are grades and tests to show where kids are in the learning process.

With homeschooling, there is no one to compare my kids learning with except their own.

I had to figure out that my job was not to "keep up" where they should be, but rather help them develop the learning and skills necessary to succeed in life.

(By the way, COVID-19 school is nothing like homeschool!  No field trips!)


Anyway, it was stressful.

I was starting to feel like the cranky taskmaster that I try really hard not to be.

Thankfully, I remembered my homeschool mindset and it helped me not stress about school work anymore.

We did a family council and talked about all the classes and assignments that each child needed to focus on.

I put the control in their hands, not mine.

I asked them to be diligent and that  I was there to help them not push or pull them.

I asked them to think about what classes they would feel stressed about not being caught up when/if school started again.

And that they should make a schedule and do a little bit of their work every day; especially in Math, English, and Science.

Our schedule has school work between 9-11, with extra time built in after lunch and quiet time, as needed.

And it's working.

My older kids know what needs to be done and they are mostly getting stuff done on their own.

Having a week of no school assignments coming in has been helpful to realize that there's no rush to get things done.

Learning is happening.

I have kids being able to focus more time on things that they really enjoy and want to learn.

And most importantly, I'm not constantly nagging at kids to get their stuff done.

I don't know how long we will be doing school at home.

I'm not sure what it will look like when they go back to school.

Grades don't matter to me as much as learning does.

(Although, grades matter to getting scholarships to college and that is important!)

I want my kids to remember this time at home as different and challenging.

But not as suffocating.

For our family, that means Mom backing off and loving more than nagging.

I promise that some days are better than others.

I truly believe, as Gordon B. Hinckley used to say:

 "It will all work out."

Cluffs Like Food

We really like food in our family.

It's a bit of a running joke in our family to say, "Cluffs like food."

My husband has a family history book of the Cluff family from late 1800s and early 1900s.

Our family got a kick out of reading the descriptions of the different family reunions.

A lot of the descriptions were about the food served.

That's why all the food times on my schedule are marked in bold.

Eating is important to us.

It's in our blood.

Also, if I didn't put regular eating times into the schedule, I'm pretty sure that my kids would be grazing all day long!

There are not a lot of chances to feel in control of life right now.

Making a schedule of food gives me at least a sense of control in that area.

I even scheduled out each day's snacks and lunches for 2 weeks.

And, like all hard schedules that I write out, they end up being "guidelines".

My kids know what food is in the house and they get one type of snack per day at the appropriate time.

It makes my life easy.

And my kids get fed. 

And in case anyone is interested, here's our list of snacks and lunches:

Pretzels*
Granola bar
Fruit
Crackers*
Gogurt
Goldfish*
Nuts
Popcorn
Veggies/Hummus
Treat
Nachos
Sandwich
Pasta
Ramen
Pizza Quesadillas
Mini Pizzas
Mini Sandwiches
Leftovers

* they read the serving size on the labels to know how much they get.

The thing is, my kids are always hungry.

So, my favorite line to use is, "It takes 30 days to starve. Come talk to me after not eating for 29 days."

I guess it sounds kind of harsh.

I really love my kids.

And I love my sanity.

And, we really like food.

Thoughts from the Women's Broadcast

I loved being able to go to the Women's Broadcast tonight with two of my daughters.

Even better was when we got home and started comparing notes.

Ginny (age 11) - I like how when we go to the women's conference its different than the regular conference in that we know exactly who they are talking to. We don't have to wonder who the talks are directed to, we know for sure that its for us. Some quotes that stood out: Hope will conquer despair; good will conquer evil; joy always comes after sorrow. And, "There's a great need to rally the women of the church to stand with the brethren to stem the tide of evil."  This really shows that the women of the church are totally equal to the men.

Maggie (age 16) - It really stood out to me how much they talked about how the Lord has His own timetable. It's not in our time, it's in His time.  And Sister Oscarson said, "Life rarely works out as planned."

Me (the mom) - There seemed to be a lot about standing up for what we believe in. Sister Stephens said, "If you strengthen a child you strengthen a family."  She also talked about how part of the plan is to be tested. But that it's not just to learn from our own challenges but we can learn as we support others in theirs.  And President Eyring really helped me realize that I cannot fix or even understand other people's sorrows or problems. Only God can really say, "I know how you feel." But, I can try and bring the Spirit with me and love others as I try to comfort them.

It's interesting that we all heard the same talks but different things stood out to each of us.

I think this is what is meant by "differences of administration"(D&C 46:15) in the scriptures.

Fixing the Kids

Here's a discovery that I have made:

My job as mom is not to "fix" my kids and all of their problems.

Because, let me tell you, they have them.

Problems, personality issues, mental challenges, etc.

And when I start to focus on what I need to do to fix these things, it's overwhelming.

But, really, it's not my job to be the fixer.

I really think that my job is to love my children unconditionally and support them as they try to figure out their life. 

I can give suggestions and ideas and support, but ultimately its not up to me to fix them.  It will be up to them to figure it out. 

We all were children at one time.  And we all had our issues (we still have our own issues).

But eventually we figured it out, moved on, and became reasonably functioning adults. 

And it didn't happen by someone forcing their "fix" on us. 

It came about by growing and stretching on our own. 

Usually in an environment that fostered that growth.

So my job as a mom is to create that type of environment, where my children feel accepted, see good examples of what they would like to be, and create a desire within to "fix" themselves.

Zookeeper

I am a zookeeper.

And I don't just mean that my house is a zoo.

Or looks like one.

Or smells like one. (I still remember my cousin's daughter looking into our car after a road trip and saying, "it smells like animals!")

I'm talking about my parenting style.

Have you heard about this book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua?

It's basically an explanation of a Chinese parenting method which produces successful tiger children.

Well, the other day on facebook a friend posted a link called Against Tiger Mothers.

It's the opposite view of the parenting method. He advances the idea of coyote parenting.

The idea being that tigers are the "specialists" and that coyotes are the "generalists" in our world.

I like both ideas.

Some of the children I raise will be tigers.

And some of them are definitely coyotes.

But, at least one of them might be a koala.

Sometimes it takes a while to see what animal they are.

That's my job as the zookeeper.

Figuring out what animal my child is and then following the appropriate "raising" technique.

Being a zookeeper is definitely not easy.

There are so many different kinds of animals.

In fact, in my zoo there are no two animals of the same kind.

But that's what makes a zoo great; the variety.


(And the variety is what makes it so loud, and messy, and smelly!)

Thank You

I've been trying out some new parenting skills I've learned. The book I've been reading is, "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Glen Latham.

The idea is that the behaviors you pay the most attention to are the ones that will increase.

So, if I spend all my time yelling at my kids for something they're doing wrong then they actually will continue to do it more. So instead, I've been looking for the positive things to focus on.

This is so hard for me.

Not because my kids aren't doing good things. It's just that I'm such a coach and I want to help them improve. I want to point out what they're doing wrong so they can get better.

Anyway, I've been trying to be more positive. There's been a lot of:

"Thank you for chewing your food quietly."
"Thank you for putting your plate in the dishwasher without being asked."
"Thank you for not slamming that door when you wanted to."
"Thank you for . . ."

It's driving some of my kids (mostly 'A') crazy. "So are you going to be one of those moms that just says nice things all the time?" That was seriously one of her questions. Of course, now she says, "Remember, you're supposed to be positive!"

Well, this all felt very manipulative to me at first. But then I realized it really is just a better environment I'm trying to create.

Yes, I want my kids to behave, but it's more important that they feel loved and appreciated (by the way, a coach would never say that).

So how has it been going?

Things are better. I don't always stick to the game plan, but I hear the words thank you a lot more. And not just from me; from my kids, too. They seem to get along a bit better as well.

But, the crowning moment came when my husband asked our son ('D') to clean up something. The response?

"Thanks for telling me what to clean up Dad."

Changes

There are times when you make changes occur that are very noticeable. Like when a child is done with diapers. You realize it immediately. It is a good change and you rejoice.

There are times when you are forced to change and it takes a while to adapt to it. Like daylight savings time. It took me a while to get used to it, but there came a day when I actually felt my body adjust.

Then there are changes that are so subtle that you're not even sure when they happened.

Last weekend my two oldest wanted to go see their school play with another friend. We dropped them off and had them call us when they were ready to be picked up.

When did I become a mom of kids old enough to do that? When did I stop being that overprotective mom who has to be a part of their lives at all times?

It is a change that I welcome and yet, did not recognize.

It is a change that is good for all involved.

I sometimes fear the future and all the changes that will come. I hope that all changes are as smooth as this one.

And I hope that I can recognize and rejoice in them as they come.

Parenting Books

This is for a friend who asked about different parenting books that I have read. Since I’ve been having a difficult time coming up with my next post, here’s the stone for those two birds.

First of all there are so many books out there. And they all kind of say different things; especially, when it comes to discipline.

I've found I just have to go with my gut. I guess most would call it mother's instinct.

So, as I read the books, I just disregard things that I don't really feel will work in my situation.

And I try hard not to have guilt about not doing everything they say I should be doing.

Here's a list of some books that I can remember and what I got out of them.

The first parenting book I ever read was by John Rosemond called "The Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children". The main thing from this book was that the husband/wife relationship comes before the children; children should not be entertained all the time; kids need more vitamin N (no); and the purpose of parenting is to teach children to become responsible adults.

He’s a little heavy on the discipline side but the "5 Love Languages" was good for balancing out the other side.

I really like "Parenting Ephraim's Child". It is from an LDS perspective and totally went with my idea that these strong-willed kids are here for a reason and we just have to figure out how to direct them; good discipline ideas, too.

"The Mom's Club Diaries" is a fun one to read so you know you're not alone in the chaos.

And "Letters" by Marjorie Peay Hinckley is not really a parenting book, but so good to help you know that everyone is normal.

I know I read "How to Behave So Your Children Will Too", though now I really only remember the title.

For older kids I really liked Steven Covey’s "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families".

Anyway, I hope these help. And anyone else with good book ideas, please comment.
Good luck with your munchkins. I think you are an awesome mom.

Nugget

This is a great saying that I just read the other day:

Make the problem the enemy; not you or your child.

Discovery Week

I learned a new equation this week.

Perfectionism + Competitiveness = Hopelessness/Anger

I had to deal with an issue with a child this week. I found some good info here and here.

It was good for me to read this stuff instead of flying off the handle like I wanted to. And I discovered some new insights into my child.

Another thing I learned or discovered (this time about myself): I am a coach.

Like, no duh, right? I love coaching.

But unfortunately, I have a coach voice and attitude.

Stuff like: "c'mon, you can do better than that!" or "what is the problem here?"

Can you hear it?

It sounds great outside on a field or on a court. But inside my home I realize that I need to have a meeker approach to teaching.

I'm always open for learning new things. Especially when it helps me be a better mom.

Grow Up

These are two words that, at times, I really want to say to my child.

But I'm also afraid of it happening.

This child is smart and hilarious and so unconcerned with what others think. Sometimes (often) it comes off as loud and obnoxious. But, because she doesn't care, she has a freedom I think most people would love to have.

She wears what she wants, cries when she's sad, and laughs really loud at jokes. She knows the answer to everything and will give the shirt off her back to anyone who needs it.

She still believes in Santa fiercely. She told me the other day that she can't believe that no one in her 6th grade class believes in Santa or the Tooth Fairy. "Can you believe I'm the only one? What's wrong with them?"

I love that innocence about her.

At the same time, I get worried because it would be nice for her to understand reality, recognize situations for what they are, and try to fit in.

But even as I write this I think, why do I want that?

I've probably spent too much of my life trying to fit in. Do I really want that for her? Not really.

But, I think that at some point it will happen. She will grow up and then all the hurtful things people say and do (especially in junior high) are going to matter.

I definitely don't want that to happen.

So I guess that I hope she stays just the way she is and everyone continues to love her and accept her for who she is.

We could use a few more grown-ups like her anyway.

Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Ever since we have moved I feel like I have been standing still.

And not the good kind of "still".

I keep thinking things like, "once we're done with school then I'll . . ." or "when we have money again then . . . "

I finally realized the other day that we will be in this situation for 3 years. My oldest will be almost 16 when we're done here. I can't just sit around waiting for life to get started again.

Dr. Suess said it the best,

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race . . . headed, I fear,
toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place . . .for people just
waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or
the mail to come, or the rain to go . . .

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a
Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or
Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting. NO! That's not for
you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. . .

Does anyone else ever feel like they are just waiting for life to change so they can get started with their real life?

Here is the question I've decided to ask myself from now on. What would I be doing differently if I had (insert wanted item) right now?

You know what I came up with? Not much.

Those things should not change the way I behave or parent.

So I'm done waiting and now I just have to figure out again what it is I'm supposed to be doing or where it is I am supposed to be going.

I really already know, I just have to keep reminding myself.