Gifts vs Relationship

I was talking with a friend about Mother's Day and it seems that every mother and family approaches Mother's Day differently. 

She told me that she really doesn't care about getting gifts from her children; it's more about the relationship she has with them. 

That made me realize that is exactly how God feels.

Sometimes my prayers, scripture reading, and going to church feel like gifts I'm giving to God. 

What God really cares about is the relationship that I have with Him. 

How do I create that relationship? Prayers, scripture reading, and going to church.

But I need to make sure those are ways for me to get closer to God, not just a checklist or a gift.

Insufferable

I've been guilty lately of getting irritated with others whining and entitled-ness.

With people throwing pity parties for themselves and thinking the world is against them.

It's annoying.

Then last night I had the thought come to me, "they don't need to be judged, they need to be loved".

God speaks to me in short phrases that if I listen, I'm able to completely reverse my thinking. 

I believe another word for that reversal is repentance.

And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.     Moroni 7:45

I'm grateful for the charity that God and others show me when I'm insufferable.

Looking Ahead

I'm the kind of driver that likes to anticipate.

I watch the opposite traffic light to prepare for when my light turns green.

And I'm constantly checking my mirrors to try and see who's coming and going around me.

One time, when I was getting ready to merge into traffic from a stopped position, I ended up hitting the car in front of me.

I had been watching for when I could go and forgot that it wasn't my turn.

It's a lesson that I try to teach my kids.

Don't just anticipate - look at what's in front of you.

I have realized that it's not just a driving lesson.

There are times when I am so focused on the future and what is ahead, that I forget to look around and see what is happening right in front of me.

Looking ahead is good.

Seeing and being in the present is more important.

Truth

" And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."  Moroni 10:5

"What experiences have you had when the spirit has shown you truth?"

This was the question I asked during our family's morning scripture study.

The answer that came to my mind surprised me.

Earlier that morning, during my personal prayer time, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the family I grew up in.

I have fantastic siblings. 

And two incredible parents that raised me in the gospel and taught me so much by example.

We definitely all have "issues" and don't get along perfectly.

But, each of my brothers and sisters is remarkable and has lived through unique and amazing experiences. 

I have learned so much from them and continue to be blessed by their examples.

As I had these feelings of gratitude and amazement, I realized that the Holy Ghost was showing me the truth of "these things".

The surprise wasn't that I love my family.

It was that I had always thought being shown truth was just about figuring out right vs wrong, or good vs bad.

But that morning, I learned that truth can be known through expressing gratitude!

God is so good.

Choice Experience

Next week I start a new job.

It's been a journey to get here.

I wasn't planning on applying for the job.

My work was finally starting to feel really good.

One day, as I was driving with my husband, I said, "By the way, I'm going to apply for that job."

I hadn't planned on saying that.

But, as soon as I did, I knew that it was right.

So I applied for the job, but didn't care if I got it.

During one of my prayers I felt as if God was asking me if I wanted the job.

My response was, as always, "I want whatever you want for me."

Except, that's not what He asked.

He wanted to know what I wanted.

It was my choice.

That was harder.

It made me think about it more and make decisions.

I realized that I did want the job because of the growth and learning that would come from it.

And I knew that God would take care of any fears or doubt that I had about starting over.

Even after making that decision, I still felt it would be fine either way.

Because I went through that "living discussion" with the Lord, I was able to have the peace I needed when I was offered the job.

It is good to want to do the Lord's will.

But, the whole point of the plan of salvation is to make choices to become more like Him.

And to have experiences to teach us and help us grow.

God helped me learn that by asking me to choose.

I will always choose God.

And I know that He will never leave me alone.

small and simple pt2

In a class that I'm taking, we have an "accountability" project.

We chose personal daily goals and came up with punishments incentives if we miss a day.

I'm a goal setter.

I love pushing myself!

And I'm used to setting big and little goals for myself.

But, for this project we were to have no more than 3-4 daily goals.

It was hard for me to narrow it down.

These are the goals I picked: 

• 10 minutes of prayer/pondering
• No computer games
• Eat one serving of vegetables a day.
• Meet my step goal (up to 10,000)

I track these on a spreadsheet that is shared with a few members of my class.

If you know me, you know that I'm competitive.

I like to win.

Putting a check mark in each box definitely feels like a win.

But, it also felt too simple.

These were easy goals to reach.

Easy to reach, one day at a time.

And then I noticed something.

I would start thinking about all the other things I needed to be doing.

In the past, I would always end up adding a few more "goals" to my list.

And then start getting overwhelmed.

This time I chose to stick with these four simple goals.

I allowed myself some grace to not. do. everything.

I wish that I could explain the difference it has made in my life.

And not just because now I want to eat vegetables.

And not because I am winning.

My choice to focus on small and simple, allows my mind to be more free.

More free to hear God's will instead of mine.

Small and simple for the win.

Small and Simple

 

6 Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

7 And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.

Alma 37:6-7 

Lately, life has been teaching me this lesson.

Here's a simple example.

I thought, "These shoes do not work with any of my clothes. I need a new wardrobe."

What worked?

I bought one pair of socks that made the shoes work.

There is a lot more to say about this but I want to keep this post small and simple.

On the Road to Emmaus

This is probably one of my favorite stories in the New Testament.

It's found in Luke 24.

Mary and other women had been to the sepulchre and saw that Christ was not there.

An angel testified to them that He was risen and told them to tell His disciples.

After being told of this miraculous event and not believing it, two of His disciples walked to a village.

And they talked while they walked; trying to figure everything out.

While they were talking, Jesus joined them.

But "their eyes were holden that they should not know him."

And He asked them to explain to Him what they were discussing and why they were sad.

They couldn't believe that He hadn't heard everything that had happened in Jerusalem recently.

So they explained to Him what they believed had happened and what they had hoped would happen.

His response was to teach them and expound scriptures to them.

As they came closer to the village (which was more than seven miles away) it seemed that Jesus was going to keep walking.

They still did not know who was walking with them but they "constrained him, saying Abide with us: for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent."

Can you imagine being taught by Jesus for that entire seven mile walk?

Of course, they wanted Him to abide with them.

But, it wasn't until after Jesus had broken bread with them that their eyes were opened and they knew Him.

What was their response?

They immediately went back to Jerusalem.

And they found the other disciples and "told what things were done in the way, and how he was known of them in breaking of bread."

There are times when my eyes are "holden" or restrained from seeing the Savior in my life.

Could it be that He wants me to talk to Him about what I know and what I'm hoping for?

Not being able to see Jesus doesn't mean that He isn't walking with me.

He is always there asking me what I'm worrying about or why I'm sad.

Asking me what I believe so He can teach me.

But, I have to take the time to hear Him.

So, if I study His words in the scriptures with a purpose, it becomes different than just reading the scriptures.

That is when my heart burns and I lose track of time and I want Him to abide with me.

I feel like I could "walk" forever if I were just able to keep that feeling with me.

The gospel word for that is endure.

But, how do I know Jesus?

When are my eyes opened so I can see Him.

On Sunday, I get to break bread with Jesus.

When I take the sacrament I promise to remember Him always.

And His promise is that I can have His Spirit with me always.

If I take the time to reflect on my weekly journey, I see Christ.

This is how I know Jesus.

I know that He died for me.

I know that He loves me.

I see Him.

And just like his disciples I want to share that with everyone.

Jesus Christ lives!

Angel Verses

A friend shared with me something she learned during her study of  the Savior's Atonement last week.

Jesus asked His disciples to watch with Him and yet He found them sleeping.

She thought about how alone He must have felt.

Then in Luke 22:43, it says that "there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him."

This friend talked about having a day recently where she just felt broken and alone.

And she was pleading with God in prayer for help.

Later, as she was reading her scriptures, she felt very strongly that the verses were exactly what God wanted her to read.

As she told me this story, she said, "I know it wasn't an angel appearing like the scriptures describe, but it was a strength to me when I felt alone like the Savior must have."

My heart was touched and I immediately thought of the scripture in the Book of Mormon.

Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.  2 Nephi 32:3

An angel did strengthen her!

The words of Jesus Christ in the scriptures is how angels can speak to us.

I have had many times when a scripture has spoken directly to my heart.

When I have read something that is an answer to a particular struggle I'm having.

And I love the idea of those times being when an angel is speaking to me. 

Strengthening me.

My Place

I went to a movie one time called The War Room.

It was about a woman who was a real estate agent and was having trouble in her marriage.

One of the houses she was to sell belonged to an older woman who taught her about turning to God for help.

She had a place in her house that she called her war room because she fought against darkness there through prayer.

It was a closet and it was full of scripture quotes taped to the wall.

The woman ended up creating a space like that for herself and it helped change her.

After seeing the movie, I started adding some notecards to my closet wall.

So, as I was studying the Come Follow Me lesson this week, there was a verse that stood out to me.

This is after Jesus has shared the Passover meal with his disciples and introduced the sacrament.

And it is right before He is to accomplish the greatest act in history - His Atonement.

 "And he came out, and went, as he was wont, to the mount of Olives; and his disciples also followed him." Luke 22:39

The Greek translation of the word wont is accustomed.

In John 18:1-2 it says, 

1 "... he went forth with his disciples over the brook Cedron, where was a garden, into the which he entered, and his disciples.

2 And Judas also, which betrayed him, knew the place: for Jesus ofttimes resorted thither with his disciples.

Gethsemane was a place that Jesus was accustomed to go to.

He went there often.

And that is the place He chose to go when He descended below all things.

I love the idea that Jesus went to a familiar place.

So, what is my place?

I thought about how much I love being outside and how I feel so close to God when I'm in nature.

But, the place that I go most often or that is the most familiar to me is not there.

I realized that my place is right next to my bed.

Anytime I am feeling stressed or joyful or tired, I go to the side of my bed.

I have spent hours there. 

Kneeling.

Writing.

Praying.

Pondering.

It is a sacred place for me.

My place.

Summer Schedule 2023

It seems like I find new ways to schedule myself each summer.

This is the first summer in a long time when I don't have to work.

There are a few things that have consistently worked for me.

Like having a theme each day to work with.

Here's this summer's:

Monday - Laundry Day/Food Prep Day

I used to try and do a load each day but then it seemed like it never ended. I like getting it all done in one day.

Also, as long as I'm going to be home doing laundry, I figured I'd spend some time in the kitchen prepping some food. 

Today, I'm planning on hard-boiling some eggs and maybe making some spanish rice.

Tuesday - Deep Cleaning Day/Library Day

Everyone at home has an "area" that they are supposed to keep clean as well as their bedrooms.

We rotate through those areas weekly right now, though in the past we've kept the same area for a month so the kids could become experts.

Then, once a week, we do the deeper cleaning like dusting, vacuuming and mopping.

I like to pair this with something the kids want to do as an encouragement, thus going to the library when we're done.

Wednesday - Temple Day/Computer Work

The plan is to go at least weekly during this summer and hopefully keep the momentum for the rest of the year.

We are so blessed to have a temple that is only 10 minutes away.

I'm also planning on using this day to work on my budget and menu planning.

Thursday - Errands/Shopping Day

I hope that I can schedule appointments and have all my lists ready for this day.

Also, having a day like this makes it easier when my kids are asking to go shopping to get stuff.

Friday - Fun Day/Hiking Day

Every other week I am doing a beginning hike with whatever women want to join me.

On the days when I'm not hiking with them, we will try and figure out something fun to do.

My kids are all older now and not as excited to hang out with me.

Saturday - Outdoor Work/Project Day

I am easily overwhelmed with all the projects that I see need to be done.

So, I'm working really hard on breaking those projects down into manageable chunks and projects that I can feel successful in completing in just a few hours.

The new type of schedule I'm working on is time block scheduling.

5:30am - wake up

6:00-7:00am - walk with friends

7:00-7:30am - family scripture study

7:45am - breakfast

8:00-9:00am - strength training on MWF; yard work on TTh

10:00-12:00pm - this is my block of time to get ready and do my personal scripture study. And I'm doing everything I can to protect this time for me - it's my "mom needs to stay sane" time.

12:30-3:30pm - this block of time is for the theme of the day, i.e. cleaning, temple, errands, etc.

4:00-7:30pm - this is for dinner time and regular chaos

9:30pm - my goal is to be in bed every night by this time.

I don't feel like I'm overscheduling myself when I do it this way.

There are lots of break times and overlaps and I feel flexible if things need to be switched around.

I love summer mostly for this reason - to be scheduled in a new way.

How to Solve All the World's Problems in Less Than an Hour

Walking with friends is the absolute best.

The walking part is fine, but the best part is talking.

For some reason, during the walk we can figure out how to solve everything that's wrong.

Don't know how to deal with a family issue?

Come walking and by the end, you'll have several different ideas that could work.

Have questions about church doctrine?

So many scriptures and stories and experiences to help build faith.

Can't stand some of the things going on in the news cycle?

For sure, we can have that all figured out and mastered.

What is it about the golden walking hour?

For one thing, we are not trying to impress each other, we're just walking.

And talking.

We trust each other and know we will never get laughed at for any of our ideas.

I wonder if this works for men or if it's just a woman thing.

Because having our male politicians go on walks together might help. 

A lot.

I cherish my friends that are willing to walk with me and talk to me.

And I'm so grateful for all of the advice that I've been given and the examples of faith and power that are shown.

Remember the Worth of Souls

Hiking is in my blood.

I love it so much.

The thing that I love the most is being outside.

When I have been asked when I feel the Spirit the most, my answer is always - in nature.

What is it about hiking and being outside in nature that moves me so much?

The beauty.

The gratitude I feel for the Creator.

The connection I feel with my body.

The disconnection from the world.

The serenity and peace.

The accomplishment of working towards and achieving hard things.

The scripture that comes to my mind most often when I'm hiking is found in the Book of Mormon.

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." (Mosiah 4:9)

I believe in God and still my belief is strengthened as I observe His creations.

And there are so many thing I don't understand, but I know that God does.

That gives me so much peace.

Knowing that God understands even when I don't allows me freedom.

Freedom from my daily anxieties and worries.

The other thing about hiking is that I get to use my physical body while feeling God's love.

I am a spiritual being with a physical body.

Which in the scriptures is defined as my soul.

My soul is nurtured when I take time to enjoy God's creations with my body.

And like David describes in Psalm 23, my soul feels restored.

I am so thankful for the times I am able to detach myself from the noisy part of the world and become immersed in the quiet beauty of this earth.

And my hope is that everyone can get an opportunity to connect their souls with God is this way.

No Answer

I'm not usually one who gets powerful answers to prayers.

Most of my experiences of recognizing the Spirit speaking to me comes through peace.

I've learned that when I do receive a strong impression it usually means that I'm going to need to rely on that answer because it probably won't make sense to me.

Here's an old example.

I had planned on homeschooling my youngest son.

Then I felt impressed that I needed to send him to kindergarten instead.

I didn't want to do that.

But, I listened  hearkened.

Three months later, I ended up getting a part-time job.

Six months later, I was called to be Relief Society president.

The latest instance of getting an answer was just last summer.

I felt like I had been led to teach seminary.

I took the class.

I did a teaching practicum.

I got a job as a substitute seminary teacher.

And, I was waiting to see if I could move forward in the process.

I really wanted to become a full-time teacher.

Everything felt right about it.

As I went to the temple and prayed about it, I had a very clear answer: "Just substitute".

No!

That is not what I wanted.

I  hearkened, but half-heartedly.

At General conference time I listened to the talks with the question still in my heart.

Can I be a full-time seminary teacher?

Is there something else I should be doing?

And then Elder Renlund spoke.

Saturday morning.

Here is the quote that was meant for me.

"If we have received personal revelation for our situation and the circumstances have not changed, God has already answered our question."

And he used the example Joseph Smith and the lost 116 pages of the Book of Mormon.

Wow, I didn't have to wait long for that answer. 

"Just substitute" was the answer that I needed to accept  receive.

Elder Renlund continued saying,

"Even as we trust God's prior answers, we need to be open to further personal revelation....We should recognize that... revealed direction can be and frequently is incremental."

I'm definitely still learning.

And I don't like being told no.

But, I do know that God loves me.

I know that He has blessed me with the gift of the Holy Ghost.

And that I am part of His work and His glory.

I will continue to trust and be amazed at His plan.

 

Be Myself

More than a decade ago, our family spent the summer being "homeless".

(that's a post for a different time)

During that time, I wrote a post about my drug of choice.

Being organized and structured was how I stayed sane.

At the time I had 7 kids all at home and it was chaotic.

Now that most of my kids are adults, the chaos is different.

And I recently spent a few years trying to get away from my "structured" personality.

For some reason, I felt that I needed to be a more "go with the flow" type of person.

I didn't like my black and white thinking.

Was there really a need to have all of that structure?

This quote from Sis. Patricia Holland really resonated with me.

"For many years I tried to measure the ofttimes quiet, reflective, thoughtful Pat Holland against the robust, bubbly, talkative, and energetic Jeff Holland and others with like qualities. I have learned through several fatiguing failures that you can’t have joy in being bubbly if you are not a bubbly person. It is a contradiction in terms. I have given up seeing myself as a flawed person because my energy level is lower than Jeff’s, and I don’t talk as much as he does, nor as fast. Giving this up has freed me to embrace and rejoice in my own manner and personality in the measure of my creation. Ironically, that has allowed me to admire and enjoy Jeff’s ebullience even more. 

Somewhere, somehow the Lord “blipped the message onto my screen” that my personality was created to fit precisely the mission and talents he gave me. For example, the quieter, calmer talent of playing the piano reveals much about the real Pat Holland. I would never have learned to play the piano if I hadn’t enjoyed the long hours of solitude required for its development. This same principle applies to my love of writing, reading, meditation, and especially teaching and talking with my children. Miraculously, I have found that I have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. But the moment I indulge in imitation of my neighbor, I feel fractured and fatigued and find myself forever swimming upstream. When we frustrate God’s plan for us, we deprive this world and God’s kingdom of our unique contributions, and a serious schism settles in our soul. God never gave us any task beyond our ability to accomplish it. We just have to be willing to do it our own way. We will always have enough resources for being who we are and what we can become." (LDS Women’s Treasury: Insights and Inspiration for Today’s Woman, p.98)

I do believe it was good for me to step back and figure out why I do things the way I do.

And to make sure that my way wasn't getting in the way of the Lord's way.

But, I also realized that I don't have to be like anyone else.

God will use my strengths to accomplish His work and glory.

The Color of Hope

It's been a very long winter here.

The snow came early and then didn't leave until the end of April.

As the temperatures began to rise and the snow melted, everything looked the same color.

When I could finally see grass it still wasn't green, yet.

Everything seemed brownish gray.

Driving around town I would look for any kind of color.

The anticipation gave me hope for spring.

Little by little, color started to appear.

First, the grass started to look a little greener.

The skies started to seem less gray and more blue.

Then white clouds.

And now the trees have bloomed - lots of pink and white!

Today, as I drove around there seems to be color everywhere.

What did I do to get this color back?

Nothing.

I couldn't do a single thing about it.

It only happened because of time.

There are times that my life seems like this.

Everything seems dreary and gray and hopeless.

And I search for something that may bring me hope.

Most of the time, there isn't really any thing I can do.

I just have to wait.

But, it always comes.

Eventually.

And when it does, it is glorious.

Imprints

I just finished reading a book for one of my book clubs.

It was set in Virginia right before the civil war.

The main character (narrator) was raised by her wet nurse who was a slave.

As the book goes on, it is easy to see how this character's choices are clearly affected by the one who truly "mothered" her.

Someone asked the question if we had someone like that who we remembered from when we were being raised.

I immediately thought of my favorite babysitter, Sassy.

Her name is actually Leslie and I'm not sure why she is so memorable to me.

But, I still think of her fondly and often.

Then, the other day I was thinking about my seminary class.

The one that I substitute taught more than any others at the beginning of the school year.

Even though they had their regular teacher more than me, I consider them mine.

And I know that some of them consider me their teacher also.

They are imprinted on my mind.

And because I was there for their first couple of days, I was imprinted on theirs.

Imprints.

Do I take the time to remember the imprint that my Heavenly Father and Mother have on me.

Like William Wordsworth famously said, 

"Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting;

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

          Hath had elsewhere its setting

               And cometh from afar;

          Not in entire forgetfulness,

          And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come 

               From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!"

 

Light Shiners

Today's "Light the World" prompt was to dedicate a star on your tree to someone who was a light in your life this year.

These people, right here.

(and yes, I need to get a new family picture - maybe when everyone is home in 2023?)

Hyrum is my homeschool/errand/hiking buddy. He has such a grateful heart and a creative mind.

Cassie brings so much joy and laughter to my life. She has so much enthusiasm.

Ginny is such an example of endurance and seeking and being brave.

My missionary boys are bringing light to others in England right now, but still filling my life.

Maggie is a light and joy with her humor, loyalty and dedication not to mention her fabulous gift-giving talent.

Kensie and Adam are stalwart and amazing as they finish college and get ready to welcome my first grandchild.

Tom just gets me and comforts me and helps me remember who I am.

I know that my life would be dark without them.

And even though I've listed all these great qualities they have, they main reason they bring me light is because I see them following The Light of the World, Jesus Christ.

I am blessed.

D&C 88:74 - Personal Study

 "And I give unto you, who are the first laborers in this last kingdom, a commandment that you assemble yourselves together, and organize yourselves, and prepare yourselves, and sanctify yourselves; yea, purify your hearts, and cleanse your hands and your feet before me, that I may make you clean;"

This is the scripture that stands out to me today.

Here are my thoughts on it:

1. Assemble - I need to be where I'm supposed to be.

2. Organize - Everything has a rule. I need to make sure I know what the rules are; I want to understand God's laws.

3. Prepare - I need to soften my heart and focus on God's will not my will.

4. Sanctify - One definition of this word is 'to make binding'. I need to remember my covenants.

5. Purify & Cleanse - I need to repent often and come into Christ.

 

Thoughts for a Cloudy Day

Cloudy days are the worst.

I spend far too much time trying to determine why the clouds showed up.

Or driving myself crazy trying to figure out how to get them to go away.

And sometimes even despairing that I'll never see the sun again.

Rather than spend all my energy chasing the clouds away...

which really - do I even have the power to do that?

... today I choose to recognize that the sun is still there behind the clouds.

I may not be able to see or feel the sun.

But, I can bask in simple knowledge.

The sun is there.

I will see it again.