Tunnel Vision

So lately I've been thinking about age. It's been coming up a lot in conversations. It seems to be that at some point everyone goes through a type of awakening. I guess some would call it a mid-life crisis. One of my friends says it happens around 31 or 32 and that sounds about right to me.

So this is what my "awakening" was like. By the time I was 32, I had 4 kids. But I kept wondering when being a mom was going to start feeling real to me. I felt like I was just pretending. I also felt like I didn't know any one who was in the exact same situation as me. I just didn't fit in anywhere.

I have come to believe that most women around this same age feel exactly the same way. "I just don't fit in. Everyone else seems to have it together or know what they're doing and I'm just winging it here."

And then comes the flip.

I'm not sure what happens, maybe life just gets so busy that you stop thinking about yourself and move on and before you know it, it's different. You no longer walk on a college campus and wonder if you still fit in. You walk on it and think, "these kids are so young". You no longer are one of the younger people in your ward. You are in the group that the younger moms look up to.

The reason I call this tunnel vision is because at the beginning of a tunnel you still have the light from behind you to guide you (the way things have always been). But somewhere in the middle that light is too far away to see and you have to start looking for the new light which lies ahead (the way you want to be).

I think of the women I look up to. Moms, grandmas, "older" sisters. And it must be that the closer you get to the end of the tunnel the more sure you become. I'll call it wisdom.

I'm not in a hurry to get to the end of the tunnel, but I am looking forward to that wisdom.

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Facebook. It’s a drug.

It all started because my sister got on it. She got on because our other sister was on it. Then my mom got on and my brother. My niece was already on it, because, well, I guess she's young and cool and that’s what they do. I decided that I would be very selective about it. I’ll only use it with close family. Meanwhile, more and more of my “close” family was getting on: nieces, nephews, in-laws, cousins . . . college roommates. I know they are not close family, but they’re just like family. It won’t be bad if I use it with them. It was getting so much fun.

Then the day came that I got a request to use it with someone I knew in high school. I didn’t know them really well. But I was curious.

Here I am reminded of a poem my mom used to always say to us:

Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,

As, to be hated, needs but to be seen;

Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,

We first endure, then pity, then embrace.

Look what curiosity got me. (see title) I was so selective at first. What happened?

So now what do I do? Is there a way to use it responsibly?

Maybe the placebo could be: “Hey! I remember you. It’s so good to see you! What have you been up to? Oh, remember when . . . Yeah, it’s so great to see you too! We should really keep in touch. OK, Bye!”
No side effects.

Maybe I could just use it as a medication.

I don’t think there’s anyway I could just go cold turkey.

Facebook. I tell you, it’s a drug.

Our Best Selves

There are two sides to me. 

The "good-guy self" where I try really hard to be nice. 

And then the "bad-guy self" who, well. . . doesn't.

Right now I'm waiting for my husband to come home so I can vent to him about all the things that happened today that I was nice about that I didn't want to be.(take a breath now) 

And I thought, why should I let him see this "bad-guy" side of me? Shouldn't it be more important to be my "good-guy" self to my loved ones than to others? Will my "good-guy" self implode if I don't have a down time for it? Should I even have two sides to my self? So many questions. Here's my answer:

I will try harder to be my "best self" to my family. Because when, not if, I fail they will still love me.