Angel Verses

A friend shared with me something she learned during her study of  the Savior's Atonement last week.

Jesus asked His disciples to watch with Him and yet He found them sleeping.

She thought about how alone He must have felt.

Then in Luke 22:43, it says that "there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him."

This friend talked about having a day recently where she just felt broken and alone.

And she was pleading with God in prayer for help.

Later, as she was reading her scriptures, she felt very strongly that the verses were exactly what God wanted her to read.

As she told me this story, she said, "I know it wasn't an angel appearing like the scriptures describe, but it was a strength to me when I felt alone like the Savior must have."

My heart was touched and I immediately thought of the scripture in the Book of Mormon.

Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.  2 Nephi 32:3

An angel did strengthen her!

The words of Jesus Christ in the scriptures is how angels can speak to us.

I have had many times when a scripture has spoken directly to my heart.

When I have read something that is an answer to a particular struggle I'm having.

And I love the idea of those times being when an angel is speaking to me. 

Strengthening me.

The Color of Hope

It's been a very long winter here.

The snow came early and then didn't leave until the end of April.

As the temperatures began to rise and the snow melted, everything looked the same color.

When I could finally see grass it still wasn't green, yet.

Everything seemed brownish gray.

Driving around town I would look for any kind of color.

The anticipation gave me hope for spring.

Little by little, color started to appear.

First, the grass started to look a little greener.

The skies started to seem less gray and more blue.

Then white clouds.

And now the trees have bloomed - lots of pink and white!

Today, as I drove around there seems to be color everywhere.

What did I do to get this color back?

Nothing.

I couldn't do a single thing about it.

It only happened because of time.

There are times that my life seems like this.

Everything seems dreary and gray and hopeless.

And I search for something that may bring me hope.

Most of the time, there isn't really any thing I can do.

I just have to wait.

But, it always comes.

Eventually.

And when it does, it is glorious.

Thoughts for a Cloudy Day

Cloudy days are the worst.

I spend far too much time trying to determine why the clouds showed up.

Or driving myself crazy trying to figure out how to get them to go away.

And sometimes even despairing that I'll never see the sun again.

Rather than spend all my energy chasing the clouds away...

which really - do I even have the power to do that?

... today I choose to recognize that the sun is still there behind the clouds.

I may not be able to see or feel the sun.

But, I can bask in simple knowledge.

The sun is there.

I will see it again.

Compassion First

There are a few times in my life, where I have a learning experience that really sticks to me.

Like, I remember where I was and exactly what I was doing when I learned it.

I have been thinking about a particularly learning experience a lot, lately.

Several years ago, my husband had someone close to him make some accusations against someone else close to him.

My first response was to figure out what the truth was.

I did not want to believe it and I wanted to fight against it.

How could this person be feeling this way?

I just couldn't see it.

The way I remember my husband responding was something like this:

"That doesn't matter right now, what matters is that this is what they are feeling."

That is the saying that keeps coming to my mind over and over again.

It is not my job to figure out what the problem is, or how I can fix it.

Right now, my job is to listen to what others are feeling.

Figuring out solutions will come.

But, this is what they are feeling.

My focus needs to be on compassion first.

Family Scripture Study

Oops, looks like I skipped over our family scripture study.

The thing is, I am definitely not an expert in this.

We have tried LOTS of different ways to do this.

For sure, morning time works best for us.

By night time, my mom hat/patience is almost gone.

I just want everyone to go to bed.

And I am a believer in letting kids sleep as long as possible.

So, I put off doing early morning scriptures for a long time.

Notice I said "kids" in the previous sentence.

Teenagers are not kids!

When I had kids start high school, we started doing scripture study at 6:30am.

We do that all during the school year.

And then I've always struggled where to fit scripture study in during the summer.

I usually get up and exercise and go to work for a short time and the kids sleep until I get home around 8:30.

Though there have been some summers when I still woke the kids up at 6:30 so my husband could join us.

Ha! There was some rebellion.

Now, that there is not a school schedule to adjust to, I decided to do the 8:30 time.

But, I wake the kids up 30 minutes before for breakfast and getting ready.

Our scripture study goes much better when they are awake.

That being said, what does it really mean that scripture study goes better?

We go back and forth between taking turns reading out loud in chronological order and trying to have kids read before and then having a discussion.

Having the Come Follow Me program has helped us a lot.

I'd love to say that every scripture study is spiritually fulfilling.

But the truth is, I probably only feel the spirit during scripture study hopefully once a week; maybe less.

To me, the important part of scripture study is developing the habit.

I want my kids to know its important to me to make it a priority.

And maybe when they are older, they will remember the importance and make it a habit in their own families.

Broken Pieces

Here is my scripture thought this week from studying. 

This part in Acts kept reminding me of a talk I thought I had heard somewhere, but I couldn't find a reference anywhere. So, I made up my own.

Acts 27:43-44

43 But the centurion, willing to save Paul, kept them from their purpose; and commanded that they which could swim should cast themselves first into the sea, and get to land:
44 And the rest, some on boards, and some on broken pieces of the ship. And so it came to pass, that they escaped all asafe to land.

The Lord had promised that they all would live.

Some were strong enough to swim to shore.

But some had to use boards or broken pieces to make it.


I imagine using a board to get to land would not be as fast as swimming.

And I'm sure I would not feel in control of the situation.



There are sometimes, in life, when I feel strong enough to accomplish what is needed.

I can "swim and get to land".

But there are lots of other times when I feel that the only way I can make it is by clinging to broken pieces or boards; barely surviving.

I just have to hold on and hope I make it.


Either way, the Lord will fulfill His promises.

He will help me get "asafe to land".

I know He will.


Another thought:

Even if I'm a "broken piece", I can still help others around me.

This accomplishes the Lord's promises, too.

Scraping Up the Browned Bits

See the title up there?

I read that in the recipe I made last night.

It's a common instruction when making meat with a bit of sauce.

Last night it was for a Thai Green Curry Meatball recipe.

I've done it when doing roast or stew or pork chops, also.

It's so delicious.

You take all that flavor and get to mix it in with the rest of the ingredients.

Sometimes, I have worried that the final food will end up tasting burned.

But, for the most part, it just adds this depth of flavor that you don't get by just "cooking".


There have been times in my life (and those I love) when it feels like I'm getting "burned".

I get stuck on questions I can't answer.

Life gets "hot" and uncomfortable.


What I need to understand is that God is going to "scrape up the browned bits" into something beautiful.

These bits will eventually add a depth to my life that can't come any other way.

God's purpose is to give me all the "flavor" He can.

It will be good.

The Son

We have had a very mild winter this year.

But the temperature does not always tell the full story.


I walked into church this morning without my coat buttoned up.

Then, I realized I should feel colder because it was only 13 degrees.

I felt warmer than I had the day before when it was 36.


The difference was the sun.


The sun makes all the difference in whether I feel cold or warm.


When I am going through a hard or dark time in my life, the only way to get through it is with the Son.

He makes the cold days seem better even if they aren't.

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Psalms 27:1

Stuck in the Snow

We have a lot of snow here! I love it.

But, sometimes, it's not awesome.

This morning, I saw someone stuck in the snow.

I parked my car and got out to help the other woman who was already there.

We pushed.

And we rocked the car.

And we pushed some more.

That car did not want to get unstuck.

Then someone else stopped to help and they pushed with us.

It kept seeming like it was going to get out.

It kept being stuck.

I kicked more snow under the front tires to give it traction.

We tried it in drive. We tried it in neutral.

A couple of more people stopped to help.

Someone even brought some ice melt to put under the wheels to give it some traction.

Pushing it forward actually started getting it stuck more!

Finally, I suggested that she try to drive backward more before we pushed again.

Why would she want to go backward?! 

There was a lot of snow behind the car and she had just made it through all of that!


It worked!

She got the traction she needed, she found a new way forward, and upward and onward she went.


There are times in my life when I have felt stuck.

And I have done so much pushing to try and get myself out.

Sometimes that's worked because there have been others there with a little extra push to help me go forward.

But, many times, what I really needed to do to was to go back.

Whether that was going back to things that I didn't want to revisit and repenting.

Or just stepping back far enough to see a different way forward.

Sometimes, the only way to get unstuck, is by going backwards for a bit.

Through Trials

Most of us have to go through trials.

It's just part of life.

When I think about going through trials, I envision myself on a clear path.

And suddenly its a dark forest and there are scary things.

But, I know that if I just keep moving along the path, I will eventually come out.

Back to the bright sunshine of life.

Through the trial.


I'm experiencing a trial right now.

My brother is very sick and was only given a 50/50 chance of making it.

I've done a lot of crying and praying and hoping.

I'm trying to get through this dark time and get to that sunshine.


Then I thought about all the trials my brother has had to go through in his life.  

I realized that after every trial, he seems to come out changed.

Through the trial.


Through trials........

I want to learn to focus on what's really important.

Through trials.......

I want to strengthen my testimony of prayer.

Through trials........

I want to come closer to who the Lord wants me to be.

Through trials.

Power vs. Control

I think I write a lot about how my life feels out of control.

And I'm always looking for the next "gimmick" that will help me get control of things.

It could be new chore charts for the kids, a new diet, a new cleaning schedule, etc.

It's my way of trying to insert some control into my life.

These gimmicks usually don't last a long time.

The desire for control can cause frustration because there are actually very few things that I have control over.

I can't control the weather, the bad stuff in the world, or even the choices my children make.

This can then lead me to look for an escape that gives me a kind of counterfeit control.

Computer games, watching movies all day, social media.

I can control what I watch or I can control my time as I choose.


But, what I really need is not control - it is power.

 
The purpose of life is not to control all things.

It is to learn to be obedient.

"And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them."  Abraham 3:25

When I am obedient, God blesses and prospers me.  Mosiah 2:22

He gives me power to accomplish what He wants me to do. 1 Nephi 3:7

Power comes when I choose the right.

 It is a gift from God.

 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Tim. 1:5

He wants to give me power.

His power.

And through that power I can accomplish amazing things.

Addiction

Tetris. Solitaire. Candy Crush. Temple Run. Dots. Sudoku.

Computer games. (Not just for computers anymore.)

I can't have them on my computer or phone.

I'm one of those people with an addictive personality.

I talk to my kids about it, because I'm pretty sure I've passed the gene down to them.

Because of this personality, it's just better to not even get started on some things.

When I do start something, it's hard to stop.

Although this is embarrassing and overly dramatic, I've been feeling that I need to share some of my thought process:

It's not that big of a deal.
Everyone else can do this and they don't seem to have a problem controlling it.
This is great.
I feel like I'm doing good this time.
It's not a problem.

Then:
I should probably stop.
I've got a lot of things I should take care of.

It progresses to:
Why can't I stop.
Everything is in a daze.
I just want to go back to doing that.
When I'm doing that I don't have to worry about anything else.
My family is keeping me from doing what I want and what makes me happy.
Could everyone just leave me alone for a while.

And then:
Why does my life seem to be falling apart.
I just need my own space.
But, I don't want to stop.
Then I have to face all of this other stress in my life.

Until finally:
Why can't I stop this.
I know it is hurting me and my family.
I need help.

The image in my mind is falling down a well.

For me, cold turkey is the only way to go.

I have to hit the uninstall button.

And that's when:

Life is so much brighter.
I love my family.
I can do hard things.

But, why am I able to stop, ever?

Faith saves me.

Not just believing.

I can't stop myself from falling.

I hit a hard brick floor and it hurts.

Bricks of personal prayer, scripture study, etc.

It is the bricks that stop me from falling forever.

Jesus Christ is my stonemason.

HE is the light at the bottom of my well.

And the light at the top that I seek.

HE helps me build the bricks into what I need.

Sometimes that is a floor to stop me.

Or a wall to protect me.

And eventually, if I keep adding to the bricks, I know that HE will build for me a mansion in heaven.

Oh, is that all?

I tend to over think things.

I also tend to be a bit dramatic.


(cue dramatic music)

Yesterday, I was feeling low.

I started asking myself all the deep questions.

"What am I missing in my life?"

"What have I done wrong?"

"Why am I feeling this way?"

As I pondered and mused and struggled, the answer finally came.

I am tired.

(end dramatic music; cue light bulb sound)


Oh, is that all?

I guess I have been going to bed late.

Well, that's easy.

I can deal with that. 


Like I said, I tend to be dramatic and over think things.

Choice

Life has been crazy and chaotic.

Which equals to me being crazy and chaotic.

I finally realized the other day, that I have a choice.

I can choose to let what is going on in my life define me.

Or I can choose peace.



Just because life is full of stressors doesn't mean that I have to be stressed.  

I can choose.

In fact, for an entire day I kept repeating to myself:  It's a choice.

I can choose how to react to this stress.



Life will never be nice and easy; there will always be something to stress about.

But, I can recognize the stress and still seek for the peace that I really want.

It's a choice.  

Every day.

Every minute.


I choose peace.

Lessons Learned

I feel like I am in a familiar situation.

A waiting one.

Except this time instead of waiting on a job,  I am waiting on finding a place to live.


My first thought was, "I guess I haven't learned what I was supposed to last time!"

But then I realized I wanted to look at it in a more positive way. 

So instead I asked, "What did I already learn from the last time this happened?"


I learned that it all works out eventually.

I learned that God is very aware of me and my concerns.

I learned that "calmness" is the way the Spirit speaks to me.

I learned that no matter how much I want things a certain way, I know that the Lord knows what is really best.  


Recognizing what I have learned from the past is helping me get through this time.

I think that's why the scriptures talk so much about remembering.  

The Lord wants me to remember the lessons I have already learned.


It's not about being stuck in the same situation over and over again. 

It's about using the lessons I have already learned and adding to them each time.

Enough

I have always been a competitive person.  

In fact, it's one of the things that I struggle with in homeschooling; there is no one to compare my children to so I can tell how they are doing.

Since my children are all on different levels of learning and, in fact, have way different personalities from each other, I can't compare them to each other. 

Lately, the problem I've had with being so competitive is that I end up comparing my life to others' as a measure of how I'm doing.

And then when I fall short, or see that I am not as good as someone else, I get down on myself.

So, why do I think I need to be better than others at anything?  And why do I think my children need to be the best?

What is wrong with being ordinary?

President Boyd K. Packer gave a fantastic talk in October 2007 General Conference called "The Weak and Simple of the Church".  My favorite quote from that was:

"And so the Church moves on. It is carried upon the shoulders of worthy members living ordinary lives among ordinary families, guided by the Holy Ghost and the Light of Christ, which is in them."

I want to be ordinary.

And I believe that's all my Father in Heaven wants as well.

He's not expecting fantastic things.  

He's not expecting me to be better than anyone else.  

We are all his children and just like I can't compare any of my children to their siblings because they are all different, He won't compare me to any of my brothers and sisters.

He just wants me to learn, to love, to have joy.

To live an ordinary life.

That doesn't mean I shouldn't have goals to work on; ways that I can improve myself.  But, if I can make it through each day just doing small, ordinary acts of kindness, that is enough.  

There's no reason to believe that what I am right now is not enough to bless other people.  

Just an ordinary mom and daughter of God is enough.
 
I am enough.

A Time (Outfit) For Everything

Have you ever had one of those times when you have been totally over-dressed for an occasion?

(I remember going to one of my Dad's work parties and wearing a dress.  It was an outdoor picnic.  Awkward!?!)

Or, how about under-dressed?  

(Another one of my Dad's work party where everyone seemed to be in evening wear and I may have been in pajamas!?!)

Either way, it's uncomfortable.


Well, it happened to me again this Sunday.

I found this awesome outfit; one of those jacket/skirt combinations.  

I loved it (still do) and I felt so mature wearing it.  

I felt like I had finally arrived.  


And then . . .  

Church happened.


I spent the entire three hours wrestling with whiny children.

I didn't get to go to any of my classes because some of these whiny children refused to go to theirs.

I came home crabby.  

But, I couldn't figure out why.  It's not like this has never happened before.  

In fact, it happens a lot lately.  So what was the big deal?


Then I realized; I had been overdressed.

 I was wearing an outfit that made me feel like I had it all together.  

An outfit that is not usually worn by others who are struggling with children.  
(At least not outwardly, or physically. )

And it is not my time yet to be done "struggling" with my children.

I am right in the middle of my journey.

This is my time to be surrounded by children: be they whiny, rebellious, obnoxious.

Be they sweet, tender, innocent.


I need to remember what time it is in my life right now.  And dress (live) appropriately.  

I'm not saying that means that I can never wear this particular outfit.  

What it does mean to me is that I shouldn't wish my life away from what it is right now.

I'm sure there will come a time when I will sit through all of my church meetings.  Maybe even alone.


There is a time for everything.  

Finished

Well, I made it through my blog marathon.  I posted for 26 days in a row.

And although I have only run a half-marathon, I think I experienced some of the same emotions during this writing period.

I started off feeling great about this goal that I had set for myself.  And it really didn't seem that hard.

As time went on, I started to realize how long this was really going to be and that it was going to take a lot of effort to do it.  But, I still believed as long as I just worked hard I would be ok.

But, then I got to a point where I just didn't know what to write about at all.  It was like hitting a wall.  And I couldn't have made it without having someone actually help me along (using my husband's speech).

It was then that I finally was able to see the end of the tunnel.  I realized that I could make it the last little bit.  And in some ways it almost got easy again.

English was never my favorite subject in school and I have never considered myself a writer.    But, as I looked back on my month's work, I realized that maybe I was.


I think this probably always happens when I am trying to make changes in my life or set goals for myself.  I get kind of excited at the beginning and have a lot of motivation to make it happen.

Then, once I'm in the middle of it I start to realize how much work it is really going to take.  This is where I have to decide to either give up or push through it.

And there is always the point when l realize that I just cannot do it on my own.  I need help.  This is when I have to turn it completely over to the Lord.

Finally, I realize that I am almost finished and at this point it has become so much a part of me that it's almost easy.  And I have added a new level to my life, to my faith.

But, the thing is, I am never really finished.  

There will always be things that I need and want to improve.  Attributes of Christ that I need to make more a part of me.

Realizing that there will be hard times and I'll need help and that it will eventually just become a part of me, will help me make it through.

Go, Fight, Win!

I am in the midst of a battle.

It seems like every time I try and be a little bit better I end up taking 3 steps back.

It's as if Satan is fighting me hard to not make any good changes in my life.

And these aren't big changes.

These are the regular things that I should be doing anyway.

Saying my prayers, studying the scriptures. Stuff I've been doing forever.

But, sometimes the habit dies for a little bit and I have to get back into it.

And just when I think, "ok, I'm making some good progress here", bam! I'm hit with something that makes life seem hard.

And not even really hard stuff.  Just sicknesses, money issues, food not turning out right. (First world problems I know!)

On my mission I was taught that whenever I have a big spiritual experience, I should be prepared for Satan to come right back at me to get me down.

Or that Satan will increase his temptations just before a really big blessing comes.

Now, I'm not tempted by bad things, but time management, (ie, making time to do what is right), or self-worth issues seem to be my temptations.

Here's where the battle comes in.

If I don't do anything, I don't feel great, but its not horrible either.

When I make an effort then Satan hits harder.

There are times that I wonder if its worth the fight.

I'm sure that I could go on with my life, wasting time, overeating, etc. and Satan would just back off.

But then I'm not really progressing or receiving needed blessings by being close to God.

So it's a choice.

Take life easy and never feel fulfilled.

Or fight "like a dragon" to get past this wall that seems to be continually placed before me.

Losing Faith

The first time my husband was out of a job was about 5 years ago. 

We knew it was going to happen and decided that we were going to have to have a lot of faith to get through it.

I knew that having a trial like this would not make me lose my belief in God.  And I wasn't sure there was anything that could make me question my beliefs.

But, as unemployment continued, I kept thinking that I wanted to increase my faith.  But how could I believe anymore than I already did?  And just believing that God would help me was not really changing anything.

It was then that I started studying faith.

And knowing that faith is an action, I decided to substitute the word obedience in all of the scriptures about faith.

It was life changing.

"Now faith obedience is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

But without faith obedience it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him"  Hebrews 11:1,6

The only way I could increase my faith would be to increase my obedience to God.

My obedience included studying my scriptures, praying more fervently, seeking ways to serve.

And blessings came.

Not just employment for my husband, but a greater knowledge and closeness to my Savior.

The next time my husband was out of work, I was ready.

I stepped up my obedience.

And once again I felt strengthened.

Having that closeness with Christ helped me realize that even if the blessings that I was seeking did not come in this life, it would still be ok.

But, blessings did come and we got a great job.

I felt so much gratitude.

All of my prayers were giving thanks for the help that we had received.

But, I stopped asking for things.

How could I ask for anything else when I had already been so richly blessed?

And in my reluctance to ask for anything from the Lord, I became less diligent in searching the scriptures.

And since I wasn't searching for anything specific in the scriptures, my prayers became less meaningful.

And then without the Spirit that comes from scriptures and prayers I did not receive any inspiration on how to serve.

And then even my gratitude began to lessen.

In short, being less obedient made me start losing my faith.

It was surprising how fast it all happened.

Me, who thought I could never go through anything hard enough that would make me lose my faith, began to lose it after receiving great blessings.

"Therefore, wo be unto him that is at ease in Zion!

"Yea, wo be unto him that saith: We have received, and we need no more!" 2 Nephi 28: 24,27

I then had a "brother of Jared" experience. 

His family was led by God through the wilderness until they came to the great sea.  There they camped for four years.  And then the Lord came again and talked with the brother of Jared

"for the space of three hours...and chastened him because he remembered not to call upon the name of the Lord." Ether 2:14

I wonder if the brother of Jared felt like me.  He was so grateful to have been led by the Lord that he felt he really couldn't ask for anything more.

But, the Lord was not done with him.

And the Lord is not done with me.

The Lord is never done with any of us.

It is up to me to continue in obedience faith.