Angel Verses

A friend shared with me something she learned during her study of  the Savior's Atonement last week.

Jesus asked His disciples to watch with Him and yet He found them sleeping.

She thought about how alone He must have felt.

Then in Luke 22:43, it says that "there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him."

This friend talked about having a day recently where she just felt broken and alone.

And she was pleading with God in prayer for help.

Later, as she was reading her scriptures, she felt very strongly that the verses were exactly what God wanted her to read.

As she told me this story, she said, "I know it wasn't an angel appearing like the scriptures describe, but it was a strength to me when I felt alone like the Savior must have."

My heart was touched and I immediately thought of the scripture in the Book of Mormon.

Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.  2 Nephi 32:3

An angel did strengthen her!

The words of Jesus Christ in the scriptures is how angels can speak to us.

I have had many times when a scripture has spoken directly to my heart.

When I have read something that is an answer to a particular struggle I'm having.

And I love the idea of those times being when an angel is speaking to me. 

Strengthening me.

Generation Gap

"Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride."

I've been thinking about this quote from Ezra Taft Benson's talk on Pride.

What is contention in the form of generation gaps?

When I first heard this, the thought came to my mind of older people looking down "on the young kids today!"

And then I thought about the "younger kids" looking at older people thinking that they don't have a clue what's going on anymore.

I guess I'm right in the middle these days because to be honest, I've entertained both of these thoughts.

I live in an area where I'm surrounded by young and old and everywhere in between. 

And sometimes it feels like I don't have very many close friends.

Or at least it doesn't seem like I have any friends that are the same age as me or going through the same stage of life.

(And by friends, I'm talking about people I have actual contact with throughout my day, not just through social media.)

So, I tried to think about who I would consider my friends right now.

They are mostly either the same age as my parents or young moms who are probably closer to my kids age than to mine.

(I'm sure this has a lot to do with the teenage-parenting stage and the time constraints we all have in this situation.)

These friends teach me a lot.

And when I'm with them I don't think about our age differences.

It is just pure friendship. 

I love my generation gap friends!

107 Memory Lane

Last night I decided to go through some of my old blog posts and see what I had written.

I was cracking myself up. (no self-esteem issues last night!)

I also realized that I have posted over 100 times.

A lot of my posts were lessons that I needed to be reminded about.

I like having this blog to be able to remember what I have learned in the past and to help me with what I need to learn today.

Lately, there have been some very kind comments about my blog helping others and saying what they needed to hear at exactly the right time.

And, although I write to sort my own feelings out, it makes me happy that others can relate to what I am going through.

I get nervous sometimes that I write the same things over and over again.

And that's probably because I have to learn the same lessons over and over again.

But, I believe that learning is what we are meant to do.

Please feel free to share any of my posts with whomever you'd like. (really, I'm just trying to get my followers up to 20!)

I like knowing that I'm learning this life with others.

Perfect World

It seems like I have lived a hundred different lives.

And I have friends from all of these times.

Some of these friends I still keep in touch with; but not that well.

And some of the people may not even know how much I like them and miss them.

It would be perfect to live in a neighborhood with all of the friends that I have ever made.

But, there are so many people that the neighborhood would probably end up being a city.

And I guess I would like my family to live close.

You know, just outside the red zone.  (That's what my husband calls the area that is too close to family.)

So, I guess I'd really need a county or two.

But, I really love meeting new people, and I'm sure I'm not done making friends, so there would have to be room to grow.

And I do want my kids to eventually grow up and move out on their own.

So, maybe it's really my own state that I need.

And, since I like taking road trips with the family, I'd really need a country to drive across.

The problem is that someday I would love to learn to speak another language fluently.

I think the best way to do that is to visit other countries.

Welcome to my perfect world.


Won't you be my neighbor?

Running Hills (part 2)

When I was in college, there was a hill I used to run up; from my apartment to a boy's house. 

About a month ago I spent the night at my sister's house in Orem.  Close to where I went to college.  I went running that morning and decided to run "the hill."

A flood of memories came back to me.  I remembered all the thoughts that used to occupy me as I ran. 

I didn't really like who I was back then. 

There was the angst of boyfriend issues, the worries of what would become of my life. 

I think I may have used that hill as a punishment.  I thought that if I could make it up this hill then I could control the other "out of control" things in my life. 

What a difference 20 years makes. 

I was amazed at just how different I felt. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

I had the biggest smile on my face as I ran past his house.  I remembered all the good memories, and realized I really like who I am now.

Don't get me wrong.  I still have angst and worries about the future.  And I definitely have lots of improvements to make in my life.

But, getting to the top of a hill does not make that stuff go away.


The reward of running hills is not getting all my problems behind me.

The reward is the actual running of the hill. 

It's what makes me stronger.

Fitting In

Even though I may "live in the moment" there still have been times when I've moved that I've felt like I just didn't fit in.

In fact, one move I spent almost an entire year feeling that there was no one else around in just the same situation as me and therefore, I was all alone.

But here's the thing about fitting in: it's better not to think of it as a puzzle piece trying to fit into that one exact spot in the puzzle.

Think of it more like a piece of clothing that can really go with any outfit.

Or better yet, some kind of fruit to go into a fruit salad.

The fruit salad of life!

We already "fit in"; its just up to us to put ourselves in.

And most likely, we'll end up being that fruit that someone else has been waiting for to complete their salad.

So, what fruit are you?

Living in the Moment

I have a list of projects that I wanted to get done before we moved again.

I finally finished one.

I re-did my mission scrapbook, getting rid of all of the old magnetic pages and just pasting the pictures on white paper and protective sheets.

It brought back so many memories.

But, it also made me feel very sad.

I am the worst person for keeping in touch with others when I move.

I looked at pictures of people from my mission who I loved so much and meant so much to me. And I have hardly kept in touch with any of them.

How could I be such a loser?

But, then I had one of those defining moments.

I live in the moment.

I don't just survive where ever I go; I thrive.

I meet new people; I get involved; I don't look back.

This has been a great strength to have for all the moves our family has made.

To be able to quickly move on and make the most of wherever I happen to be planted at the time.

Unfortunately, that means that I start to lose touch with those who I have been so close to.

(Social networking has helped me do a bit better staying in contact with everyone I love.)

But I choose to look at this as a strength and continue to live in the moment.

I hope that everyone knows how much I care for them - right now.

In the past.

And forever.

Work = Joy

Making friends is hard work.

And it gets harder the older I get.

It seemed so easy when I was younger.

It just happened.

I had great friends in high school and college.

Then life moved on.

Even as a young mom it was easy to make friends because what else was there to do except hang out with each other and talk about our "experiences".

I've always envied those women who have lived in the same place for a long time.

I imagine it would be easier to transition from that young mom time to busy life and still keep your friends.

Whenever I've moved its been harder to make friends with people my age.

And its not because people are not nice.

It's just that life is so much busier with older and more kids.

It really takes an effort to put myself out there and make friends.

Its just easier to deal with my own life and be alone.

But women friends are necessary for my growth.

So making friends, as uncomfortable as it is at first, is worth it to me.

Every time I have moved somewhere and put myself out there I have found other women willing to do the same.

It just takes some work.

But the pay-off for me is huge.

Yesterday I went on a hiking adventure with 3 other women and their families.

I think the kids had fun.

But, mostly for me, it was about making new friends.

Friendship, like anything else that takes work, brings me joy.

Real Women

I am blessed to have amazing women in my life. I like to call them real women.

When I am around a real woman I . . .

. . . know who I am.

. . . can eat what I want without wondering if they think I'm a pig.

. . . can pick up conversations from forever ago without the small talk.

. . . can talk about potty-training and gospel topics in the same breath.

. . . am not embarrassed to cry.

. . . laugh a lot.


To me a real woman is someone who . . .

. . . knows who they are.

. . . has goals that they are always working towards.

. . . makes others feel good without putting themselves down.

. . . loves being a mother and desires it more than anything.

. . . will drop anything just to visit with a friend even for a short time.

. . . is willing to admit faults and weaknesses without wallowing in self-pity.

. . . laughs heartily.




. . . bless my life.

Knock Knock

First, I'm probably not alone in the blogger world of being "comment needy". (I really try not to be.) Most of the time when I post, it is just for me to get it out of my head and on down on paper.

But, last week due to a post that I mistakenly thought was spam (sorry bro) I put on comment moderation and then forgot to moderate. It was a while before I remembered why I might not be getting comments.

Second, I'm always surprised when someone like my mom says so and so was reading your blog the other day . . . (really?)

It makes me wonder who is reading this stuff?

So, I put on a visitor counter thing and was once again surprised at the numbers. (Maybe its just mostly me checking on the numbers but I don't think I check that much. )

Anyway, all this got me thinking that I should find out who is really reading this blog 'o mine.

Here's the fun part: (if you wouldn't mind) I want to invite anyone who reads this blog to leave a comment [anonymously] describing yourself. You can be as specific as you want or random.

For example, I know I lurk on other people's blogs and never comment because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't know me from Adam and that just seems weird. But I would leave a comment anonymously like "found this blog from my best friends neighbors sisters aunts husbands blog" or "like you I'm mother to a cranky newborn"

Get the idea? I think it would be fun and funny.

And I'm totally admitting to my comment neediness on this one!

Thanks for playing.

Personal Pep Talk

(I'm having a hard time deciding how to write this blog. It's going to sound whiny and its going to be personal, but here I go anyway.)

I'm struggling.

That's probably not a huge surprise to some.

It was to me, because I like to think that I have it all together. Even when things are kind of hard I still try and stay positive. Maybe it's an image I'm just trying to keep up.

I have awesome friends who came to visit me this week (2 hour drive visit!). I think they knew I needed it. I have friends who called just to check on me this week. I think they knew, too. Now I think that I'm finally ready to admit it to myself.

I'm struggling.

Just saying it out loud makes a difference. Does anyone else have a hard time admitting that maybe life really is hard and you can't do it on your own?

Did you know that the word struggle is in the scriptures?

"O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made." (Mosiah 7:18)

Apparently, many of my strugglings are in vain. So what is this effectual struggle that he talks about?

"But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." (vs. 33)

That is a struggle, to trust. To turn it all over. Not a giving up but giving over. It's letting go of the control that I think I have to have. I will never be able to do it on my own. I will never be able to do it by myself. I need help. The only way I'm going to make it through is by relying on the Lord.

Unfortunately, this does not make the hard things go away. But just remembering that I don't have to do it by myself, remembering that I have someone else to rely on; it makes the struggle an effectual one.

Snap Out Of It!

Saturday, I got to experience what a rubber-band feels like.

I left a place where I have the lived the longest time of my married life.

It was physically painful to drive away. (I seriously almost had to pull the car over.)

I remember I had a similar feeling when I left my mission. I felt like I was leaving a part of me behind.

This time was even harder.

I feel like since I have lived there, I have become who I want to be. Not a perfect person by any means, but I feel as if I found myself.

That has everything to do with the people I associated with; my friends.

So, as I drove away I felt so stretched - - I did not want to leave and I felt that I would break at any moment.

But then I felt that I was being propelled further ahead to my new life with a determination to live the way I had been taught by the friends that I was leaving.

So as painful as the stretching was, I know that it was a means for me to be a better person.

I will serve greater, give more generously, and love more freely.

And I will never forget how I got where I am.

Oh Dear Me

So my friend is putting together this great blog with letters from women to their younger selves. Anyone can do it. I thought I'd share mine here, too.

Dear Me at 14:

So, I know you’re getting ready for the biggest night of your life: your first stake dance. I mean how lucky can you be to turn 14 on the same day you get to go to the dance. And I know its black, red and white night. And I know you have your eyes on a couple of boys already. You have waited so long for this and can’t wait to flirt with those boys! Do it!! Have fun!! But, let me give you just a few suggestions about the whole boy thing. You are not going to marry any of them! Get this into your head now or else you’ll spend the next 10 years (that’s right 10 years) of your life asking yourself if this boy or that boy is the “one” for you. I’m telling you now: NO! So stop worrying about it.

Now, don’t worry. You do end up getting married. And to the most amazing person in the world. He is perfect for you, and so completely different from your image of him right now. So don’t go looking for him. He will find you. In fact, you’re not even going to want to date this boy at first.

But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out there and have fun and date. By all means, enjoy this time. It’s a blast! Date as much as you can. (Although I would stay away from that one boy in college who takes you to the basketball game. That one is totally not worth it.) But just have fun and don’t worry so much about getting serious.

You know what is more important than all these boys – your girlfriends, including your sisters. Pay more attention to them. They are the ones who will always be there for you. There will be many boys and lots of tears. But the constant thing in your life will be your girlfriends. The thing is, you can learn so much more from these girls than all those boys you end up kissing. (Yes, don’t get too excited but you will end up kissing, a lot). So instead of being worried about what these boys think of you and if they like you, (they either do or they don’t) try and build lasting relationships with your girlfriends. Listen to them and don’t just talk about boys. Talk about your goals and your dreams for the future. Forget about yourself and all those boys that you think are sooo cute. You are an amazing person no matter what any boy thinks of you. And your friends love you no matter what, so love them back more.

For now, get that eyeliner going, that permed hair teased up a little bit more, and don’t forget to run through that musk perfume. It’s a great night. “He” will be waiting for you ten years down the road. So leave all these boys in the dust and dance it up!!!

Love,

Me at 39

"BFF"

Have you ever thought how you end up being friends with the people you are friends with? I was thinking about this today and wondering how I ended up with my college friends. I wasn't roommates with any of them in the dorms. And we didn't really have a lot in common. We all liked different kinds of music, and we were all from different states.

So then I started thinking farther back to my high school friends. My best friend in HS was not into sports at all like I was. And we didn't even have a lot of classes together. So what was it?

I think most of my friendships are complementary types of relationships. And maybe that's just my personality to surround myself with people who have the attributes that I wish I had, but don't.

So then I started thinking about my best friend now. For some reason I always thought I'd marry a football player, or at least someone totally into sports like me. But as I look back on the boys I dated, none of them played any type of sport. (hindsight's 20/20 right?) So what was it? He was so totally different from me. A fact which I pointed out to him quite regularly.

But then one night he told me a story. His little 9 year old sister had gotten a "pink slip" at school because she and her friend had made up a song about their "flat-bottomed" teacher. He couldn't even get through the whole story because he was laughing so hard. And that is what made me decide to marry him. If he could make me laugh like this and even better, if we could laugh together, that was it!

I realize now that humor has always played a role in my friendships. But humor is so limiting of a description. I think its more of a "joy in the moment" kind of thing.

So, I guess if you can make me laugh - you're in.

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

I have been thinking about friends lately. And how I have not been a very good friend.

You know how sometimes you just know that you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, but you just go on not doing it anyway.

I've been that way for about the last 6 weeks.

And I realize that I've abandoned all of my friends in the process.

My friends could have helped me be a better person this last little while. And yet I turned away from them.

My friends make me feel good about myself. They let me talk. They encourage me. They ask the right questions. They say the right things. They believe in me. They remind me who I am.

But isn't it always true that when you are messing up your life, you don't want to be reminded by others that it's not who you really are?

Luckily, there are so many people in my life who love me and whom I consider "friends". I was reminded of this when a friend called just to see how I was doing. And another I ran into said they had been thinking about me all week. My friends never left. So where did I go?

I think I got swallowed.

"No waters can swallow the ship where lies The Master of ocean and earth and skies."

Life is hard. But when I keep God close to me, I don't get swallowed. He never leaves, but I often leave Him. And when I do turn back to Him, it is always a good thing. Sometimes hard, but always good.

It is the same with friends. It might be awkward to start being a friend again. There may be a few bumps. And I know that sometimes friendships change over time (and space). And different people will come into our lives at different times for different reasons.

But I realize how much I need friends to be the kind of person I want to be.

And I need God in my life, to become the person I want to be.

Tunnel Vision

So lately I've been thinking about age. It's been coming up a lot in conversations. It seems to be that at some point everyone goes through a type of awakening. I guess some would call it a mid-life crisis. One of my friends says it happens around 31 or 32 and that sounds about right to me.

So this is what my "awakening" was like. By the time I was 32, I had 4 kids. But I kept wondering when being a mom was going to start feeling real to me. I felt like I was just pretending. I also felt like I didn't know any one who was in the exact same situation as me. I just didn't fit in anywhere.

I have come to believe that most women around this same age feel exactly the same way. "I just don't fit in. Everyone else seems to have it together or know what they're doing and I'm just winging it here."

And then comes the flip.

I'm not sure what happens, maybe life just gets so busy that you stop thinking about yourself and move on and before you know it, it's different. You no longer walk on a college campus and wonder if you still fit in. You walk on it and think, "these kids are so young". You no longer are one of the younger people in your ward. You are in the group that the younger moms look up to.

The reason I call this tunnel vision is because at the beginning of a tunnel you still have the light from behind you to guide you (the way things have always been). But somewhere in the middle that light is too far away to see and you have to start looking for the new light which lies ahead (the way you want to be).

I think of the women I look up to. Moms, grandmas, "older" sisters. And it must be that the closer you get to the end of the tunnel the more sure you become. I'll call it wisdom.

I'm not in a hurry to get to the end of the tunnel, but I am looking forward to that wisdom.

You Have 362 Friend Requests!

Facebook. It’s a drug.

It all started because my sister got on it. She got on because our other sister was on it. Then my mom got on and my brother. My niece was already on it, because, well, I guess she's young and cool and that’s what they do. I decided that I would be very selective about it. I’ll only use it with close family. Meanwhile, more and more of my “close” family was getting on: nieces, nephews, in-laws, cousins . . . college roommates. I know they are not close family, but they’re just like family. It won’t be bad if I use it with them. It was getting so much fun.

Then the day came that I got a request to use it with someone I knew in high school. I didn’t know them really well. But I was curious.

Here I am reminded of a poem my mom used to always say to us:

Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,

As, to be hated, needs but to be seen;

Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,

We first endure, then pity, then embrace.

Look what curiosity got me. (see title) I was so selective at first. What happened?

So now what do I do? Is there a way to use it responsibly?

Maybe the placebo could be: “Hey! I remember you. It’s so good to see you! What have you been up to? Oh, remember when . . . Yeah, it’s so great to see you too! We should really keep in touch. OK, Bye!”
No side effects.

Maybe I could just use it as a medication.

I don’t think there’s anyway I could just go cold turkey.

Facebook. I tell you, it’s a drug.

Myrtle Budge

Here's an explanation for my computer name.

Back in the days when I was fun, our group of friends decided to make up names for ourselves.

We had our "cool" name and then we had our "nerd" name.

Our cool name could be whatever we wanted, (mine happened to be Brittney! which could be a whole 'nother blog) but our nerd name had to be the same initials as our own. (My apologies to anyone out there with nerdy names.)

Here are some nerd names I remember:
Delilah Pipin, Sylvia Nixon, Regina Sue.

I'm trying to remember why we did this.

I guess when you are a teenager, you don't really have to have a reason.

But I think it had to do with stake dances.

I think we would use those names when we were asked to dance by boys we didn't know or like.

What's funny is,it's not like we got asked to dance very much anyway.

Maybe these names gave us the idea that we could actually be nerdier than we really were already. Who knows?

But now, I kind of like the name. Unfortunately that might be because it fits me now more than ever.

But also because it brings back great memories.

May Myrtle Budge live on forever!